God,

Loving you is complicated. When I decided to give a relationship with you a chance, I was joyful- hopeful even. 11 year-old-me just knew that you would provide all I needed and that you would revive the parts of me darkened by depression and anxiety. I'd be light and brilliant in lieu of my faults and failures- because that's what you wanted for me... But, here I am, ten years and a whole lot of peaks and valleys later; still trying to make sense of our relationship and your promises.

God, loving you is not easy.

I can't even begin to pretend that loving you doesn't exhaust all my understanding. Why love you who can't keep my depression at bay (yes, depression is an ongoing battle that God may not wisp away... sometimes there is a purpose behind pain)? Why love you who lets me suffer? Why love you who doesn't even explain himself in layman's terms? Why am I hanging onto your seemingly empty promises and long-winded explanations of an afterlife?

God, loving you makes me feel crazy.

I can't prove that you are "really real" and I can't ignore the voices, both in my head and in the world, that try and convince me that you are not necessary for prosperity. The world constantly reminds me you haven't always been there for your people who, need you. They say "Well God never helped so and so... he never helped with this and that." People never directly challenge my belief in you, because they know better, but I swear the second I leave their company I can hear their thoughts scream, "this girl is FOOLISH for loving her God...".

Telling people that don't know you, God, that I love you is an extreme sport; it causes heart palpitation and long-drawn philosophical debates. Questions like "how did Jesus rise from the dead" spring forth and mess with my head. I would much prefer my injuries conclude in concussions and contusions but no- sharing your Gospel consists of deep, soul-crushing questions like, "Is God even real."

Since I believe that you are real and that you've come to save me from myself and from others, questions like "is God even real" rock my foundation. When I decided to believe in your power instead of my own, my self-righteous foundations of truth gave way; my walls of want and desires crumbled and I began to fall into your grace and mercy; I now stand on your words and am, without a doubt, unable to stand without you.

So, on the days I cannot feel your presences and on the days I cannot hear your voice calling me toward you, all hell breaks loose. I sin regretfully and purposely- I have no self-control. My heart wants to do right by our relationship God but my head, with its hate-filled logic, incessantly shouts... NO. They say love is best between two independent entities God, but I know I cannot do this love-thing apart from you. I lost my Independence ten years ago when I fell for you- we became two strangers married into oneness, a holy mess of fire and flames and pure energy. Without you God, I am nothing.

How can something love nothing God? How can nothing love something back?

God, can you hear me? Why do you love me so much?

No matter how far I run from you, from our relationship, I can always count on you to have my back. No circumstance is too big or too horrendous for you God. I wholeheartedly expected you to leave me alone the moment I went back on my promise(s) to stop dating boys who CLEARLY are not for me; apparently, my routine promise-breaking is not enough to tear me away from you.

Apparently, no ocean is wide enough and no strand of land is long enough to stop your love from finding me. I could whore myself to the world, which I am sure I've done, and there you would be- buying me back like Hosea did Gomer. It is so, so clear that you love me endlessly and completely; years of journal entries detailing my pray request to tell me that you've answered countless prayers of mine. Every day, I am reminded of your grace and mercy and might and I am dumbfounded because, quite frankly, I do not deserve that kind of love.

God, loving you is complicated.

Not so much because I don't not love you, but because I cannot comprehend why you love me. I guess that makes me pretty special and worthy and wonderful... doesn't it.

God, loving you is complicated- thanks for loving your hot-mess daughter.

#stayencouraged