As I sit in your car and panic, I wonder what you’re thinking. I’ve just dropped a bomb on you. I see the rage and the sadness pan across your face. You hurt for me, you hurt with me; this is no longer a journey I venture through on my own. Your opinion will be noted and appreciated. The things you do will affect me more than the others and I will be a completely different adventure than you have ever experienced.

I am a rape victim, I am the one you have chosen to be with and this is part of me. I, unfortunately for you, do not come with instructions; but I’m going to help you out as much as I possibly can. So that you can help me when I am unable to help myself.

Sometimes I am quiet around you. My nerves are high and so is my anxiety, my mind races as I sometimes will wonder if you are going to hurt me too. I know you so well yet my mind attacks me, making me question everything I know and trust. This will be the time you must hold me as the tears break free. In these moments I am breaking down walls in front of you. You are learning more about me in this time than you will in most. It will be your job to keep me grounded and remind me I am not in this alone.

I am tough, I have a tough exterior. I grew a thicker skin to keep the pain out and you are going to see me shed that. I will not be like other girls, I will tell you no and you will have to accept it.

It is important to remember that this isn’t your fault, you did not do this to me- even though you’re getting the aftershocks of it. I don’t mean to take it out on you, I don’t mean to hurt you. This is a part of who I am and I am just now learning how to accept that.

There will be days that I cannot face myself. I will cringe at the sight of a mirror, looking at myself as dirty and used. Like a once beautiful vase that has been broken and pieced back together, I will never be the same as I had been before.

I will not ask much of you, but I will ask you to be considerate of me. Remember my story, remember what I have been through. I need someone that respects me and knows my limits.

You will find it odd that I am scared of your family or friends, at parties I may spend most of my night in a corner hiding. If I am not drinking, you should know why. I refuse to let fear run my life but I also refuse to not try and break the cycle. I will not be a victim again, I have been through enough and you need to know that.

In me, you may find anxiety and pain. You may find stories you don’t enjoy hearing or things that make you feel uneasy; remember that I lived that. You’ll find quiet but talkative and nerves that find their way out in the form of an obnoxious laugh. But you will also find a huge heart that wants to love you more than anything else.

You will find a fighter, a resilient one, someone that’s going to fight for you as long as you fight just as hard for them. You are dating a rape victim, I know it’s a lot to handle, but I know that I am worth it.

I’m ready if you are.