Fall break. Winter break. Spring break. Summer. As a struggling college student, these are the times I live for. Nothing sounds better than unlimited Netflix, food, and sleep in my own bed when I have more homework than I thought possible and haven’t eaten real food in three days. Yet, going home is often a different type of struggle that I wasn’t aware of. I’ve developed such a love/hate relationship with going home over school breaks.

I love going home and seeing my family and dogs. I talk to my siblings almost daily and my mom every time I need advice about anything, but it’s not the same. Somehow, someone always forgets to tell me a funny story or important information. And as much as I like to convince myself that FaceTiming my dogs is a sufficient way to talk and see them, it’s not. It doesn’t allow for me to cuddle with them.

However, going home and getting to see everyone makes it that much harder to leave. Nothing is harder than hugging everyone at the doorway after you forced everything into an acceptable size suitcase. The weight of homework and stress is already back and I’m tired before I leave the house. I have to reassure my dogs that I’m not abandoning them and that I really do love them. Saying goodbye in general just sucks.

One of my favorite parts of going home is home cooked meals, binge-watching Netflix, and my own bed. It’s socially acceptable to lay in my bed all day, eating as much as I can, and keeping my dogs captive in my room. School food is dry, repetitive, and in need of seasoning. Mom’s food is delicious and appealing. While I binge-watch Netflix at school, it’s always a stressful occurrence because I’m avoiding my responsibilities. And a school bed doesn’t even compare to a normal sized, soft, comfortable bed at home.

The worst part about leaving all of those comforts is the withdrawal that occurs afterwards. I’m always at an important part of the show I started. Always. Trying to adjust back to school food is just torture for my taste buds and digestive system. After sleeping in a big comfy bed, school beds are too small, too uncomfortable, and too bumpy.

School breaks are the only reason that I’m able to survive college. Doing nothing is essential to remaining mentally sane and convinced that college isn’t a cruel joke that my parents are playing on me. I love going home and seeing my family and dogs but the reminder that I have to leave just hangs a black cloud over the entire break. I love breaks but I hate them at the same time.