It's been 3 days since we called it quits. It's also only taken me 3 days to get over the last 4 years we spent together.
What I once had hoped would last a lifetime, somehow means nothing more than a few memories attached to songs and photographs that I haven't brought myself to delete yet. Break ups are never thought to be a time of happiness, but rather the loneliest and saddest time in your life. But that isn't the case this time. I guess after being broken over you so many times, it becomes normal to expect you to give up. I thought losing you would leave me broken, when in fact that very thing completed me.
You see, up until now I always thought an abusive relationship was one that involved physical abuse without regard to the fact that words can leave just as many scars as fists do. You didn't hit me, but every single fight was my fault and a result of my weakness. You didn't hit me, but I had to walk on eggshells every day of my life just to make up for your insecurities. Maybe you never hit me, but you manipulated me into becoming a dimmer version of myself so I didn't outshine you. You never left any physical bruises on me, but the wounds woven into my confidence, personality, and heart are far worse. So when you decided this might not work out, I made the decision for you. Any "man" who wasn't sure of me certainly did not deserve me. I only shed tears for the parts of me that hadn't been able to feel in so long. Don't get me wrong, it did hurt at first. It hurt having to rebuild myself yet again over someone who was never worthy of my love in the first place. It hurt having to run into my mothers arms after she begged me not to make the same mistake more than once. It hurt knowing that no matter how many times I apologized and tried to be better for you, it still wasn't enough. But in that very same hurt, I met the man who has never left me. I met the man who even on my darkest days, wraps me in such mercy and grace that all I can do is call out the sweet name of Jesus. In the moment that most people describe as rock bottom was in fact my mountain top. Not only in that moment did I find Jesus, but I found myself. I found the spontaneous, funny, carefree, adventurous and happy girl you tried so hard to change. A flood of emotions came over me, but none were as expected. Instead of sadness, I found joy. Instead of worry, I found peace in the fact that what is meant for me will not pass me. Instead of hopelessness, I found hope in the promise that although pain may last through the night, joy comes in the morning. It's so hard for me to be sad at this point because many of the days I spent with you were spent hurting and crying. It almost feels as if I actually don't have anymore tears to shed. All I can really say at this point is thank you. Thank you for turning your back on me and allowing me to grow. Thank you for leaving me and pushing me right into the arms of our Savior. Thank you for giving me a chance at true happiness. The only thing I wish you would have done differently is doing it sooner. I really do wish you the best, however that does not mean I wasn't the best for you. It just means you were not the best for me. For the first time in 4 years I realize that I am not hard to love. You are just incapable of loving me the way I should be. As hard as it is to leave the memories behind, it's necessary for me to become the woman I am called to be. I'm proud of myself for walking away and knowing without a doubt that I deserve so much more than what you gave to me. I love you, but I love me more.
