I lost myself in caring so deeply of what others thought of me.

I was lost when I stood up during worship at church just because everyone else was.

I was lost when questioned why I believe what I believe.

And fell even further into confusion when situations would occur, and I would know what to do, but my own actions were the opposite.

I lost myself in the painful words of others, allowing the words and actions of Christians to define Christianity for me, and lead me to the conclusion that if Christians judge me this way, God must judge me this way.

I was lost partially because I was blind.

Blind to the reality that I have been saved by grace, and being a sinner doesn't mean I'm not saved.

Blind to the ultimate goal of what it means to be a Christian.

I was good, I behaved, I didn't do what I knew I shouldn't do but is that the definition of a good Christian?

I had secret sins, and hidden thoughts, but it was okay because no one else knew.

I posted Scripture references on social media, I went to church every Sunday.

I only surrounded myself with Christian friends, in a Christian environment.

My actions were good, but my heart was sick.

One day I was told that I was acting like a square shape, following its basic outline, and staying safely inside.

But I wasn't meant to be this shape, because while everyone else could see a square, what they couldn't see was the ticking time bomb inside.

And that bomb was eventually going to go off.

I had been judged by others Christian's as many have for poor behavior, but at the time hadn't crossed major boundaries, or committed "unspeakable" sins.

Boundaries were eventually pushed, curiosity did take over, and lines would be crossed until eventually, the goodness in me wasn't enough to keep me from the darkness that had always been there.

I lit a match,

a match I thought I could just quickly put out.

But my inner darkness, all the criticism and judgment, and the hurt, and the pain I had received from Christians, and Christianity was pounding at my heart.

And with one last hurtful remark, the bomb went off.

I cared so deeply about the opinions of others, that I let their hurtful words ruin me.

I judged, and eventually did everything I had judged others for.

I did everything well, pleasing to those around me, and eventually acted so poorly no one wanted to to be around me.

I looked at how others behaved as Christians, how they judged, how they acted and thought I can't be like this, I can't keep this up.

I would sin and feel so ashamed, and I had assumed my salvation was lost because real Christians don't sin, or at least know not to talk about it.

I lost the religion I had, friends I had, relationships I had, a reputation I had, and standards I had,

But I in that loss, I actually found God.

Eventually, the darkness would become so overwhelming I was desperate for some light and that's when I discovered that being a Chrisitan doesn't mean being a good person, doing good things, or even always doing the right thing.

My example isn't other Christians, their hurtful words do not define me, or you.

Because Jesus says, His mercies are new every morning,

and that we are never too far gone, or ever too lost to be found.

It was at my lowest point, with having lost all the good I believed I had, that I saw the grace of God.

I had a heart issue, that no amount of good behavior could cover up.

I'm not a good person, I'm very different from a lot of Christians, we are all different, and that's okay.

My reputation has been tainted, but it helped me to recognize my NEED for God.

My dad had shared one Sunday morning, that in each and every Biblical story we read, we are the tax collector, the adulterous, the murderer, the blind, the sick, and the dead, we are never Jesus in the story.

I don't need to save myself, and no one else can either.

My wounds are deep, my heart is heavy, and a lot had been tainted and lost, but that doesn't mean I'm hopeless and though in the eyes of religion I have been compromised, I'm never going to be who I was, but in His eyes, I'm still chosen.

I am no longer defined by the sins of the past, it's my story, but the story hasn't ended.

We are all no better, no worse than anyone else,

The door of salvation is open to me and to you alike, no matter what past, no matter what scar, no matter what pain or mistake Jesus will always accept you and welcome you home no matter what judgment comes from anyone else.

I lost my religious beliefs of thinking I am good, of thinking I can be good and control my life according to what I believe is right, but through losing it I found God.

I found that I am not good, that I need Him, and I will continue to fail but thank goodness for His grace and mercy.