Bad stuff happens to good people all the time.
As Christians, our first source of motivation to push through the bad is our faith in God. But, even those who are the most on fire for God can totally lose sight of Him. Just like Grey's Anatomy's April Kepner, I lost my faith- but I think I've found it.
April went through a series of negative events- she lost her first child, divorced her husband, and had a second child she would raise without a husband by her side. While none of these tragic events have happened to me, I still went through a time where I totally lost myself.
I thought God had left me because I was experiencing very distressing thoughts. My depression was coming back, my anxiety was through the roof, and I had moments where I simply didn't want to be alive anymore. I started drinking again, I wasn't enjoying the things I used to, and I just felt empty inside. I wanted it all to go away, and I was willing to do anything to make that happen.
I thought that bad stuff wasn't supposed to happen to good people. I was doing everything right- going to church, reading my bible, praying, participating in therapy, and taking my medication. So why was everything going so very wrong?
I thought that my recovery process was supposed to be perfect; that if I beat it once, I wouldn't have to deal with it ever again.
I stopped reading my Bible and praying. The only time I would ever talk to God was to yell at Him and blame him for everything. Being in a group worship setting made me incredibly anxious and upset- to the point I had to leave because I was having an anxiety attack.
But, then it hit me.
This was a test. A test of my faith to see how I would handle the shit life threw at me. My first thought was that I failed. I failed my God and thought he would never love me again because of how much I hated Him.
But, you know what? This was farthest from the truth. God loved me that whole time, and he will continue to love me. Jesus didn't die on the cross to make sure we would live perfect lives. He died on the cross because he knew things would go wrong. He died on the cross to let us know everything would be okay, and that he would be by our sides the whole time.
He was by my side until I found my way back to Him. And for that, I am forever thankful to be a daughter of the one true King.
