My Losses Almost Killed Me, But Now I'm More Alive Than Ever
Health and Wellness

My Losses Almost Killed Me, But Now I'm More Alive Than Ever

A look back on why 2018 was both the most challenging and eye opening year of my life.

3817
My Losses Almost Killed Me, But Now I'm More Alive Than Ever
Kirsten Beach

For those who know me, you know the challenges I've endured this year, but for those who don't, I wanted to be completely vulnerable and transparent with you in writing this.

2018 was by far the hardest year of my life, and when I say hard, I mean gut-wrenching, back-breaking, and truly incomprehensible. I entered college with a solid head on my shoulders, and being a Christian, I had certain values that I planned on always sticking to. However, going into my second semester of college in January, I found myself uncertain of who I was supposed to be. I began to waver from my core values, and I lost sight of God's overall plan for my life. My uncertainty led to me clinging on to people who didn't have my best interest at heart, and also had me unintentionally placing myself in dangerous situations that I still bear the scars of today.

At that point, I felt so alone.

But, just when I thought things couldn't get worse, another thing hit me, and it hit hard.

I remember the day just like it was yesterday.

My mom called me saying she had bad news--News that my stepdad had a sudden heart attack and passed away.

Every time I think back to that moment, I cry. I cry because I remember how I felt the first time my mom told me and my little sister the news that my biological father had passed away from his long battle with sickle-cell. I cry because I think back to my last text messages with stepdad the day before and how I had meant to call him that night. I cry thinking about my step-siblings and how they no longer have a father either. I cry for my mom who has had to endure that type of pain two times over.

Days and weeks passed, and as they did, I felt more alone than ever.

I've always struggled with depression, but after my stepdad passed away, it skyrocketed. I would go days without eating much at all, and getting out of my bed to go to class was excruciatingly hard. I had thoughts about suicide before, but the thoughts were suppressible until I felt like my world was crumbling around me and that I would never be able to escape the destruction.

That day, my then friends had grown extremely frustrated with me and my inability to be positive amongst all the bad that was happening in my life, and they decided they were done. That day, I felt like I was a burden in everyone's life. That day, I decided that the world may be better without me. That day, I sat in Temple University's Tech Center on my Macbook, looking up ways to end my life.

Often times, I feel like people don't understand depression unless they struggle with it too, and that day, I didn't feel like anyone understood why I wanted to end my life either. However, a very special person in my life talked me out of it and stayed on the phone with me until I laid my head down to sleep that night.

A friend had encouraged me to go to counseling and engage in more activities that brought me happiness, and I am still so thankful that she did to this day. I quit social media for the time being and began to go to counseling sessions, and in the following weeks, I began to smile again and find genuine happiness in things, which I hadn't been able to do for a while.

August came quickly, and now it was time for my second year in college.

This time, I came into school stronger than ever, with a solid group of people in my corner. This semester definitely had its challenges as well, and I can easily say the amount of hurt I experienced was extensive, but I've realized that with all I've gone through, and all of the people who have chosen to either stay by my side during it or walk away, all of those things have made me stronger in the end.

I read a poem once that compared life to a train journey. It said:

Life is like a train ride.
The passengers on the train are seemingly going to the same destination as you, but based on their belief in you or their belief that the train will get them to their desired destination they will stay on the ride or they will get off somewhere during the trip...
There will be a few people in your life that will make the whole trip with you, who believe in you, accept that you are human and that mistakes will be made along the way, and that you will get to your desired destination - together, no matter what...
Know and have faith that at the end of your ride your train will have the right passengers on board and all the passengers that were on board at one time or another were there for a distinct purpose.

Although this year has easily been one of the most challenging years of my life, It has also opened my eyes to many great things. I know that now, I have not one angel watching over me, but two. I now live to make my parents in heaven proud, as well as my family here on earth. I yearn to be a better friend this upcoming year than I was in 2018, and I now believe in my soul that God is not finished with me yet, and because of that simple truth, I can always be joyful.

I know that it is not easy to find beauty in our struggles and hardships (It took me a whole year to do it) but I will say this: When you allow yourself to take a step back and look at all of the things you've experienced in your life, and reflect on them, you can come to terms with the fact that it all happens for a reason. We must understand that we all have a purpose in this world, and our hardships should never define us, but instead, they should inspire us.

Because of that, I find joy in knowing that my depression did not win that day.

I find joy in knowing that I have two fathers watching over me now.

But most importantly, I find joy in knowing that God always has a greater plan in store for me, and He has a greater plan in store for you too.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

Being a pharmacy technician never held as many risks as it does now. Exposure too hazardous conditions were little to none, and garbing up was only conducted in IV compounding. But, now, in order to give nurses the medications they need to help their patients, they need us, pharmacy technicians.

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

Epic Activewear Deals Every Leggings-Lover Needs To Know About From Nordstrom's Biggest Sale

Wearing my pleather Alo leggings till someone physically removes them from my body.

I'll be the first to admit I'm not an athletic person, at all. Since junior high school, I've been happily cheering my friends on at their football games and soccer matches from the sidelines as long as I could go home to my yoga mat and spend Sunday mornings at Pilates with my mom's friends.

Weekends are often spent in my casual wear, from the second I throw them on for morning meditation through running errands and evening walks. No, I won't be running a marathon or joining my friend's volleyball league anytime soon.

Keep Reading... Show less
Disney

I've always been a huge Disney villain fan — whether it was for their cryptic one-liners, enviable outfits, or sidekick banter. Some of the most iconic lines from cinematic history have been said by the characters we love to hate and occasionally dress up as once a year.

The fear-mongering Gaston I now find hilariously cringe-worthy is now charming and oftentimes considered by fans as rightfully justified in his actions. Die-hard fans of the Disney villain fan club claim alternate egos in their favorite evil characters, adopting their hilarious witticisms into everyday life.

Keep Reading... Show less

TikTok was banned by the president, but Instagram is here with its newest feature called Reel. Many of us are still wondering why TikTok was being banned in the first place. Was it all the dangerous TikTok trends? It was because of a security concern, but not in the way you might think.

TikTok is owned by Dancebyte, which is a China-owned company. Basically, just like any other app, TikTok collects the user's data. The main question to ask yourself when investing in any app or marketing tools who will be owning my data? So yes, China currently owns all the TikTok user's data worldwide.

Keep Reading... Show less

Anyone who goes to Panera Bread will tell you that their mac and cheese is to die for. If you're a huge fan of their mac and cheese, you won't believe the new recipe they're coming out with!

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

5 Reasons To Put The Damn Mask On, And Stop Fussing With It

COVID-19 is real people, do your part to protect yourself and others.

Ilana Stein

With the ever-changing reality of our world due to COVID-19, there has been one constant throughout these past unforeseen months, masks. Ever since coronavirus hit the ground running in the US, the CDC has been recommending social distancing and mask-wearing to stop the rapid spread.

Many people have been great about adhering to these policies, mandates, and suggested uses, but others, not so much.

Keep Reading... Show less
Swoon

I Asked My Boyfriend His Opinion On Liking Other Girls’ Pictures, And, Spoiler Alert, It's Cheating

"When you get into a relationship and you're in love, you have to realize that liking photos is for the single lifestyle."

Ladies, listen up. If you are in a relationship with a guy and he is liking other girls' pictures on social media, then it's a red flag. A man who can look at someone else and show interest by liking it means he doesn't care about your feelings AT ALL.

Keep Reading... Show less

I've been an athlete my entire life. I love movement and I've been jumping, kicking, swimming, dancing, throwing, you name it since I was in diapers. I'm also pretty competitive and probably went through a few sore loser phases. What can I say? I like to win, and losing can sometimes feel like I've failed. Especially, when your competitor is your best friend or someone that you worked all year long to defeat.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

11 Reasons Why Getting A Cat Is The Best Thing You Can Do For Your Mental Health

Cats may mess up your puzzles but they'll always love you unconditionally — as long as you have some catnip, that is.

Scout Guarino

Alright, everyone, it's time to stop spreading the rumor that all cats are mean, aloof, and hate everyone. Like dogs, each cat has its own personality and tendencies. Some like a lot of attention, some like less — each person has to find the right cat for them. As for me, my cats Bienfu and Reptar have seen me at my worst, but they've also helped pull me out of it. They're a constant in my life and they give me the strength to get through the day in spite of my depression, and there's even scientific evidence to support it!

Keep Reading... Show less

Picture this, we're settling into our date, the conversation is flowing, we're ordering drinks, laughing, and then it happens... the job convo.

Him: "So what do you do?"
Me: "I'm a dating and relationships editor."

Keep Reading... Show less

- I have extremely sensitive skin, which is why I have always resorted to a plant-based organic beauty line such as Radha Beauty.

- Radha Beauty won me over years ago when I was looking for organic skincare brands.

- I was so excited to see they launched a new line incorporating USDA organic rosehip oil, so when their PR team sent me some, I could not have been more thrilled.

- After a week of using the products, my face felt as smooth as a baby's, looked more glowy than ever, and even cured some of my summer sunburn.

Radha Beauty isn't just a best-selling beauty brand on Amazon — it's a USDA-certified organic beauty brand I live by, and anyone who knows me knows I am all about holistic wellness.

Typically, it only takes three days for me to tell if a skin product is working or not because I have extremely sensitive skin. It's also why I have always stuck by plant-based organic beauty lines such as Radha Beauty.

Keep Reading... Show less

I have definitely had my fair share of breakups. I broke up with my high school sweetheart my second semester of college (he was cheating on me), I had a breakup with another guy I thought I was going to marry, and others in between. Regardless of whether you're the one doing the dumping or being dumped, breakups can HURT.

Keep Reading... Show less

Social media is something many of us have been addicted to (whether we want to believe it or not) since the moment we got it. I remember getting Facebook at 10. Instantly I was hooked. I loved being able to share my life with people, a little too much in my opinion, and I loved being able to see how/what other people were doing all the time.

Keep Reading... Show less

I am not in any way any sort of medical expert. These are just some tricks that work for me and have worked for others who also suffer from anxiety. These may not work for everyone, but I do hope these help some people in their fight against anxiety.

Keep Reading... Show less

-Having struggled with acne prone skin for years, I was cautious to try a new serum on top of the other products I've come to trust.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments