I guess I should start out by saying that I miss you. I often look up at the sun and wonder if it's the rays or your smile beating down upon my skin. I wonder if you can hear me when I come visit you at your final resting place with tears in my eyes and updates on my life to share with you. I wonder if you can see the pain in my eyes every time I remember that you're not here with us on Earth anymore.

The truth is, I don't believe pain ever goes away. It just fades with time but it still lingers and is still very evidently there. The horrible thing about pain is that we never ask for it, it just gets handed to us at random times and we're left to pick up the pieces. My whole family and I were left to pick up the pieces when we lost my amazing grandfather to a deadly stroke in May.

The shock, the pain, the heartache. It didn't kill me but it sure as hell didn't make me stronger either. I felt weak, lost, and helpless for the weeks he spent lying in a hospital bed. I spent hours in his room every day, praying for him to open his eyes, holding his hand and hoping that he'd grip mine a little tighter.

My family is so strong. There were days where our only dinner was vending machine snacks and hospital pizza. Days where we laughed and had a good time surrounding each other, but also days where we held each other a little closer and cried into one another's shoulders. Days like that reminded me what family is all about and how we should always let our loved ones know that they are loved.

Every day, I wonder. I wonder if you're up in heaven, looking down on all of the places you used to travel to. I wonder if you're playing golf up there, getting a hole in one against all the other angels. I wonder if you're still laughing about the turkey we left in your front yard in the middle of the night around Thanksgiving time to wake up to.

I know you're not here on Earth anymore, but you visit me all the time. Whether it's through a cardinal flying in front of my car at the moments when I have you on my mind, or remembering old times through photographs and walking upstairs to see one out on my porch, I know that you are here. You're watching over me. You're keeping me safe. I know that you will forever be my guardian angel.

I cannot wait for the day that I get to hear you crack a dumb joke, throw my head back in laughter and just shake my head and say “Oh pepus" again. I love you.