As members of the complex and vast society that is known as humanity, it's fair to say that the majority of us enjoy the principles of certainty. Of course, if you're reading this, let it be known that I am making the fair assumption that you are, in fact, human. To continue, it's no secret that we tend to like figurative little boxes that we've created for ourselves over centuries of human development and evolution. Furthermore, we probably most enjoy when all of the factors of our life are able to fit into said boxes and therefore satiate our seemingly natural desire for definitive answers and certitude. Simply put, we don't usually find pleasure in wondering. When it comes to just about anything, we like answers, and we like to know.

So, you may ask, what happens when things don't go according to plan and aspects of our lives no longer fit into those lovely little boxes that I mentioned before? Maybe I only speak for myself, but I tend to lose my cool. Seriously, I'm talking the fly off the freakin' handle. Some may call it a character flaw, and others may label it as a reaction that is only natural, but as I see it, I think it's just plain old scary to have not a clue as to where you or your life may be headed, especially when it comes to things that you thought you had figured out. On a larger scale, it's almost like a little kid who is attempting to do a puzzle and wholeheartedly insists that a piece goes where it does not: He or she wants it so desperately to fit, maybe even tries to physically force it into place, only to realize that they simply cannot accomplish this goal. The piece does not belong in that spot, and it probably never will.

Now I'm not saying that I'm the type of person to flip my lid when I can't decide what I want for breakfast in the morning, or to panic when I have to make a decision or take action on the fly. However, when something that affects the big picture in my life goes awry, especially when it alters the course of something that I had always imagined for myself, I'm not a happy camper. Hence, going off to college and questioning a lot of things that I thought I knew about myself has not left me in the greatest of spirits. I have truly learned that going out on your own and leaving the safety net that is your family and friends and hometown can bring a lot that you previously did not know about yourself to the forefront. And, to be quite frank, that idea scary in almost every sense of the word; especially if you’re like me and always grew up with a fairly strong sense of self.

There’s a lot of things that I’m not sure of, but the major thing that has been nagging me is my sexuality. (There, I said it. Gasp!) Even though it’s the twenty-first century and I go to one of the most accepting schools that there probably is, it’s still scary to discover that such a defining element of your identity may not be exactly what you thought it was. I’m not down for committing to labels or anything like that yet, but the subject is certainly in question, and I honestly don’t think that I’ve ever been so confused or unsure about anything in my entire life. I’m also being honest when I say that I know that my experience is not uncommon. Rather, I’m sure that if I were to ask a bunch of honest first semester freshman about how they were doing in regards to the subjects of sexual orientation and certainty, their answers might not be as far of a cry from what I’ve been going through as I may expect or like to believe. Nevertheless, normalizing any set of feelings or experiences doesn’t necessarily make them any easier, especially when there’s still a lot of uncertainty involved on the individual level.

However, if there’s anything positive that has come out of this personal identity crisis of sorts, it has been that losing yourself may just be the key to finding yourself. In other words, had I not gone through this now, there may have been a part of me that I never discovered or acknowledged, at least until later on in my life, if ever at all. Sure, coming to terms with it isn’t the easiest thing in the world, but it’s important to be just as accepting of myself as I am towards others. As I have learned, going out into the world on your own can take you on a ride that has a lot of unexpected twists and turns, but there’s also no doubt that it’s bringing you to somewhere that you are meant to be.