Losing “The One” Can Actually Be Good For You

Losing “The One” Can Actually Be Good For You

Losing the “love of your life” makes room for so much more love in your life.
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I don't understand how our fingertips slid from the grasp that once seemed so tight. I will never comprehend how love feels through someone else's eyes. How our hearts with such heavy burdens can find room to hold another. "Time heals all wounds" is the cliche motivator that keeps me alive. That keeps me sane.

As if the hands of a clock can sew up my broken heart or bandage my battle scars. I know pain like I know myself, familiar but still unrecognizable to the outside. I'll search for answers in broken memories. I'll dig up the past from within my head in the hopes of finding something I didn't see before.

A reason, an explanation, a road map to where everything went wrong. Show me where we fell apart. My tears will shatter on broken glass frames that hold our pictures from when we were in love. The salt in my wounds will pour through my veins until there's nothing left but bones.

I wonder all the time if you're hurting like I am. If you feel it too. But how idiotic of me to wonder when you don't care at all. You're sleeping soundly in your bed next to the girl you said had your heart in the end. So why am I pondering what ifs? Why am I still constantly drowning myself with thoughts of what we could have been? Why can I not take control of my own life?

Sometimes, I think about you.

It's been a little over a year, maybe.

The wounds have turned to scars. The thoughts of you have faded but are still there. You show up in my dreams. Seeing you everywhere I turn became a living nightmare. Everything isn't always as it seems. I’m constantly struggling to burrow out of my own head. When I thought our hearts only had room to love each other, I was wrong.

With time, through the cracks in my heart that you left, you leaked out. You made room for so much more than I ever thought possible. I have hobbies and motivations. I have positivity and life. What I once thought I'd never feel again — I gained through losing you.

Finally, I think I can live with how we ended. Without answers. Without explanations and road maps. I can live knowing I gained so much more without you — than I ever have with you.

How do you define “good enough?” So simple yet completely complicated. I think we spend too much time trying to evaluate ourselves from someone else’s view. Constantly struggling with whether or not you’re satisfying your partner’s needs or wants. Always being told that something can be done better can instill that mindset into someone.

No matter how hard we try, no matter what we say or do, nothing ever feels quite “good enough” for anyone else. I think that’s a common misconception for most of us these days. Maybe we should try a little less to be “good enough” for everyone else and start being “good enough” for ourselves.

No one deserves your best more than your own well-being. Your own soul. Your own conscious mind. Because after that’s achieved, then maybe we can be “good enough” for another human being.

I’ll never understand feelings and how they work. How someone can claim to love another, but still feel the want of being tongue-tied with a completely different person. Love is uncontrollable — it can happen fast or be watered through time; it can be a hurricane of disastrous landslides; or it can blossom into something beautiful, like a 7-year-old pine.

A relationship develops like a forest of trees, like the ones I’ve captured in long-ago photographs. They take time to grow. They need water and sunlight and nutrients. They need years to prosper. A relationship needs time to develop; to grow, it needs communication and honesty. It needs healthy motivations and disagreements.

Don’t forget about the storms, though. Even trees need to learn to be strong during the darkness of the rain and the rage of the thunder and the strikes of the lightning. Even trees go through challenges, and sometimes, many of those trees in the forest will fall. Relationships go through their own storms; they’ll be tested over and over, like the forest and the trees. Not all of them will make it.

Those relationships that fail are those that did not grow strong enough, for whatever reason. There will be storms that will test the boundaries of our own desires. There will be storms that test the distance our hearts are willing to go before being set on fire. I’ve never known lust to be a bad thing, but it’s how we respond to our lustful distractions that could send our trees up in smoke.

Thoughtful moments of considering the consequences are what could save us in the end. Love doesn’t have to be meant for one person — it can be dispersed among the forest. However, renewed love can’t mend what’s already been broken.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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An Open Letter To The Guy I'm Finally Getting Over

I think I'm ready to listen to the happy Taylor Swift songs again.
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I remember when all of this started. I couldn't have predicted you if I'd tried. I was so focused on myself that it took me a while to even admit I was interested in you. You were the one I didn't see coming, and then before long, you were the one I couldn't imagine leaving.

I'll be honest. I lied to myself and to everyone else for a long time. “We aren't anything serious," I'd say. “I'm just having fun." How stupid was I to think that I could resist getting caught up in you? Those months that we spent together were some of the best of my life. I didn't think it was possible for someone to make me laugh like you did, to make me feel the way you did. You brought out a side of me I had never seen before, and even though that scared me, I didn't want it to stop.

You had me so fooled.

One day, just like that, you were gone, and before I knew it I couldn't even recognize myself anymore. I couldn't imagine how someone I had given so much to could just leave like that and not even look back. The months after that was a string of waking up and losing you all over again, telling my friends I was fine one second and crying to them the next. And the second I started thinking I was OK, I saw you again. We talked, I cried, I yelled, you cried, you yelled, and for a couple of weeks I pretended that everything would be OK, and you really meant it this time and we would make it. But just like before, it wasn't real.

Realizing that took me longer than I'd like to admit, but this is what I need you to know: I'm moving on. Finally, after months of dialing your number just to talk myself out of it, I can say that I'm moving on. I won't listen to sad songs anymore. I won't look at our pictures and re-live the days we spent together. I'm erasing every trace of you. I'm smiling brighter, I'm laughing louder, and if it's the last thing I do, I swear I'll find something that's better than what we had.

That's not to say that your memory won't knock the breath out of me on a Tuesday afternoon when our song comes through my headphones. That's not to say that I won't remember the promises you made me and want to scream at myself for ever believing you. But the difference is that I'll recognize the pain in those memories, and then I'll set them down and walk away. Because I'm done carrying them with me and I'm done giving you that power over me.

So don't call me up someday when I've finally forgotten your laugh, don't think about me at all if you can help it. You lost that right when you made the choices you did. This isn't some stupid love story we'll tell later down the road about how we beat the odds and came through stronger on the other side. This is done, do you understand? I'm finally done.

Years from now I'll look back on the adventures we had and laugh at how crazy we were. I'll remember the fierce happiness I felt while we were running wild together and I'll be grateful for this because it has molded me in ways I can't begin to explain. Someday I'll tell my daughter about you and pray that she learns from my mistakes, and when that day comes I'll wonder where you are and genuinely wish you the kind of happiness that I will have found.

I know you'll never read this. But I'll read this, on those nights when it feels like everything is starting to fall apart. Again and again and again, I'll read this and remind myself of the promise I'm making at this very moment, to look forward and stop letting your memory dictate my happiness. Someone wise once said, “Suddenly you'll just know, that it's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings." Well, I'm trusting that this was just one short chapter of my book, and this is me turning the page.

On to the next.

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All The Things I Wish I Could Say To My Ex

But it's not worth pouring your heart out to someone who isn't listening.

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It's been sometime now since we've last talked, but you still cross my mind all the time. Sometimes I wonder what you are up to, how you have been doing, what your future plans are, and things like that.

Other times I wonder if you ever think of me, if you are sorry for how you treated me, or if you even care.

I try not to let you consume my thoughts, but it's hard not to when there were so many things left unsaid and so many questions that were never answered. Things I still wonder to this day.

I begged and begged you to be honest with me and to let me know what your intentions were, but I guess that was asking too much.

Before you, I never knew what it felt like to be abandoned. After you, I am too scared to get close to anybody I meet because I can't bear the thought of them leaving me the way you did. I barely ever put myself out there now and I close myself off anytime I think I start to like someone.

You caused me a lot of pain and hurt, and the saddest part is I don't even think you are aware of how shitty you were. To be treated with such disrespect and ignored by someone that you love with your whole heart is a different type of hurt. All I ever wanted was answers.

Although I still get sad sometimes, it's not because I miss you anymore. I get sad because of how I let you treat me, and for how long. I get sad for the girl I was then, and for how much better she deserved. I was so broken and you kept breaking me over and over again.

Eventually, I just gave up, which was one of the hardest things I've had to do. Because despite everything I really did still love you, and I have no idea why. I was in a constant battle with my heart and my head and I didn't know what to do anymore, and it was devastating to me.

As the days went by, it got easier and I thought about you less. I started to love myself more and work on becoming a better me. I now know that I deserve the best and I will never settle for anything less. I still have so much to work on, but I think I've come a long way.

I hope you are doing well in your life and accomplishing everything you wanted to. Thank you for showing me what I absolutely don't deserve, and for helping to shape me into the strong and independent woman I am today. I will never put up with a man like you ever again.

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