On February 27, 2018 a single conversation threw my life in a whirl pool and I had nothing to grab onto to bring me back on solid ground. I remember the conversation like it was yesterday, but it's been 730 days. I got home from work and it was just a normal day my parents were home and my grandma was over, which looking back now I should've known something wasn't right because it's odd for her to be over on a normal Tuesday evening. I went and sat next to my dog and just had a heavy feeling in my chest.
My mom told me she had to talk to me and somehow I just knew before the words came out of her mouth. I remember the feeling of warm tears streaming down my face instantly and saying "no please don't say it" over and over. My dad died and I have never cried so hard in my life. He was here and then he was gone, like the wind that comes right before a storm. 730 days but I don't think I have come to terms yet and I don't know if I ever will. When I sit and really think about it I don't know how I am supposed to live the rest of my life never getting to hear his voice again. It has made me terrified to lose anyone I love ever again.
People say time heals all wounds but that is utter bullshit, the reality is that you will grieve forever. You don't just get over losing someone you love, you just learn to live with it. You may heal and rebuild yourself after the loss you have suffered, and you may be whole again but you will never be the same.
I recently started rewatching One Tree Hill and there is a quote that I have not been able to get out of my head because it is so relatable to me. "Grief is like the ocean: it's deep and dark and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. Unfair. Diminished by time and faith and love." I never knew what real grief felt like until I lost my dad, sometimes I feel like I am drowning in missing him and there is a constant ache in my heart. He will never really know me, the person I am now. He won't be at my wedding, or meet my children, or ask how my day is going. He won't because he is gone and he's never coming back.
