Humble Beginnings

I was raised in a God-centered home by loving parents whose main concern was that my sisters and I knew that we were loved by the Son of God so much that He gave His life for us. Besides attending Christian school five days a week, I spent Sundays and Wednesdays at church. My whole life revolved around God. As a kid, I never had a problem with any of this. I didn’t know anything else. I had a solid idea of who I was and who God was… or so I thought. I developed a bad habit of thinking of God as a big, old guy in the sky who was watching everything I was doing and if I followed enough of the rules, I would get to go to Heaven when I died. Believe it or not, I was okay with this thinking. I generally thought of myself as a good person. I was pretty nice to people, I didn’t cuss, and I considered myself a Republican. I believed that following all the rules would lead to a good, long, comfortable life that would end with my dying a happy old man in my 90's.

Sh*t Hits The Fan

It wasn’t until I reached junior high age that I started questioning things, mostly my identity and who God actually was. Most of this questioning came from the realization that I was gay or same-sex attracted, however you wanna put it. After ignoring it for several years, I started realizing it wasn’t just going to go away. “SHIT. I cannot be gay. I’m a Christian. I’m a good person. Shit, shit, shit.” These were the thoughts that used to run through my head. Growing up when LGBT rights seemed to be a constant headline of news stories and debates at the dinner table and people being so polarized over the issue, I didn’t feel like I could talk about it with anyone. Everyone on both sides of the issue seemed to have an opinion, yet no one seemed to ask what it was actually like being gay. I constantly heard the line, “well you know what the Bible says…” or the classic “love is love.” Neither of those really helped explain why I was feeling that way or addressed the doubts I was having about God. I slowly began living my life guarded, suffering in silence. I was feeling shame for something that seemed out of my control. I cared way too much what people thought of me (and still do sometimes). I had a reputation to maintain. I didn’t even tell any of my close friends until I was a senior in high school. I began putting up walls, with God and especially with people that I associated with church. I thought this was protecting me, but it was actually numbing me to the point of depression. At that point in my life, church meant judgement and I began living out of the fear of judgement. I honestly didn’t believe that I could have a relationship with God until I was “fixed.”

Adoption

What I didn’t realize at the time was that my biggest problem was not being gay. Instead, it was a lack of identity. I spent my whole life putting it in everything from my sexuality to the shame I felt about it. Through a series of events, that involved me nearly giving up on God at one point, I found myself at a church (which I still attend) that felt safe to ask questions and be honest. It was at a men’s camping retreat with said church that I came to realize that I had no idea who I was. It was also there, that I realized who I am: a son of God, not because of what I’ve done, but because of what Jesus has done. The retreat ended with me being baptized in nothing but, a pair of lime green boxers, in an old oil tank, surrounded by 1,500 men, most of whom I didn’t know. It was uncomfortable as hell, but it was the most freeing thing I’ve ever done. I’ve found that God seems to show up biggest in moments when I’m scared shitless and trust Him anyway. My relationship with God went from being about following rules and pleasing people to being adopted by my heavenly Father who meets me where I'm at to continually comfort, challenge, and change me.

The reason I’m writing this is neither a promotion for or an indictment against homosexuality. This is about more than that. This is about identity. I realize that LGBT people are not the only ones who question their identity or who live in shame. It's a problem of humanity. We're a culture that has found ourselves in an identity crisis. Whether it's a number on a scale, the amount of money we make, or failures in our past, we all have something that we falsely define ourselves by. We end up living numb lives by inauthentically walking around trying to color inside the lines. However, in realizing who we are to God and in Christ, we can give ourselves the grace that He gives and live our lives purposefully, being defined by His love. Ultimately, I hope that this will serve as some kind of encouragement to anyone who doesn't know who they are or just feels as lost as I did. Figuring out who you are doesn't have to be a crisis, but instead it can be a journey with a Father who knows you as who He created you to be.

Romans 8:15

For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!”