Nature has this mesmerizing way of letting itself unravel at the right time
Flowers don't awake in the white of winter despite their need to blossom and bloom
Bears don't settle into hibernation during May no matter how exhausting the spring hunt has been
Newborn birds don't leave their homes until their wings feel stable regardless of their zest to explore the unknown
There is a desperation within me aching to
Move out my surroundings aren't quite comfortable yet
Be in a relationship with another my own needs aren't nourished yet Find a new job my vision isn't faultless yet
Do I consider myself above being one with nature or below it
This week can be summed up as a whirlwind of emotions. It started off pretty rocky, questioning my abilities. Thoughts sped through my head from my job security, why another guy turned out to be a dud, how can I stop being so quiet and aloof and what I’m essentially doing with my life. I wondered if I was actually working hard enough and what giving one-hundred percent truly meant. I got the typical pit in my stomach feeling and it was anything but controlled. At work I decided to take my usual outside lunch break and write it out, but when I got to the nearby park I didn’t even feel deserving of that.
So I watched nature live. I watched the baby woodchucks (I think that’s what they were) scurry along, noticing me with alertness every time I made a slight move. I glanced around at the fresh summer flowers and soaked in their beauty in hopes for inspiration. What’s captivating about going to the same park on a daily basis is the transformation throughout the months. One of my favorite things to do is watch nature whether it’s simply looking out a window, being physically outside or watching an animal documentary. There’s something super soothing about watching the world just be.
It lead me to realize that I let everything flow and be, but myself. I enjoy watching blossoms bloom and animals grow, but I need to have every step figured out while knowing the end result and what’s going to happen next. I even preach advice to friends to relax and let things flow, but when it comes to myself I feel undeserving of divulging in the grace of time and letting things work out. In the beginning of the week I felt an overwhelming urge to find a new job, make my next move to get into the city, find a new man and lose more weight. Putting all this pressure on myself made me feel lazy and worthless, like I should have done this all yesterday and I’m late on my goals. I decided to write it out, create a few poems and meditate a little longer.
Towards the middle of the week I made more of an effort to give my demeaning personal thoughts less room to stretch. What really inspired me was my yoga teacher giving some good vibes advice. She talked about how we are the only species that festers on our mistakes and instead like all other animals, when a mistake is made it is reprimanded once and not turned into a never ending cycle of regret and anxiety. When I made a minor mistake at work, I would reprimand myself once and that’s it. It turned to a gentle feeling of patience and me saying to myself, “You might not have it all understood now, but you eventually will." After the next few days of continuing this practice inside and out of work I started to achieve some goals that I’ve always wanted to.
Towards the end of the week, I woke up at 5:00 AM and went to the gym before work. I signed up to volunteer for fun. I bought new makeup that could help me pull off a more professionally natural look. I made sure not to eat excessively when I got home from work and wait for dinner. When I started to make more of an effort to treat myself gently and to practice what I preach everything started to flow a lot easier. These are things that I’ve wanted to do for weeks and months at a time, but just never mustered up the energy.
I’m hoping that I can start to make a practice of patience within myself a lifestyle. If it’s so important to give friends and family love and kindness when they’re feeling anxious, why do we not feel we are as deserving? We let things flow with everyone and everything around us, but feel with our own self it should all be done and manifested by now. Does that mindset grow from the feeling that we are above the humdrum of ordinary life and deserve super human qualities or below it so that we don’t even deserve the beauty of now and to see how things will pan out?