You put me through my absolute hell, and I for years, thought it was love.

an open letter to the boy who once held my heart,

you know who you are. you knew this was inevitable.  you no longer hold the power to hurt me. this is not for you, it is for me. I have come so far in the last 3 months and I am never going back to the mindset you ever so carefully placed me in for 4 1/2 years.

(the following is the letter I sent him, in the envelope was my promise ring that was given to me on my birthday)

d,

I have been contemplating how to fully part from you and I didn't feel right going in silence. I have moved on with my life and am not writing this to you in hopes of rekindling anything. I am the happiest I've been in years because thanks to you, I know what I am worth. I surround myself with people who deserve me, and people who I deserve in return. I took 4 1/2 years of emotional and verbal abuse and grew from it instead of letting it define me or drag me down. the best thing I ever did for myself was to truly let you go. 

I was so attached to the person I fell in love with when I was 14 years old. the person who loved me more than themself, and always chose me. you and I had something that completely changed my life, made me a hopeless romantic and truly made me have hope for not only my own future but our future as partners in life. 

over the last 4 years I have given you every fiber of my body. I have lost friends, had broken relationships with my parents and left everyone and everything I knew because I always chose you. unfortunately, you never fully allowed yourself to choose me.

I will never forgive you for sleeping with Leviah, a mother to a 2 year old girl, while I was at home, 8 weeks pregnant with your child. All because I "made you upset".

 I will never forgive you for turning your back to me as I laid on the bathroom floor screaming and crying in pain because the loss of your child was too much for my fragile body to handle.

 I will never forgive you for saying you couldn't drive me to the hospital, as I was unable to drive due to the pain medication I was taking, because you "had to go to work". Nothing broke my heart more than finding out you instead took the day off and got high with your friends. Completely abandoning me as I went through the most traumatic experience of my life all alone.

 I will never forgive you for leaving me in that cold and empty emergency room while you got dinner with your friend, ignoring not only my calls and texts, but the ones coming from your family members begging you to come comfort me. 

I will never forgive you for striking me in the face and claiming it was okay because I "made you upset". 

I will never forgive you for the years of emotional and verbal abuse, making me feel like it was all my fault, because something that I did "made you upset".

Everything I ever "forgave" you for, turned a blind eye to, said "its okay, I love you too", was an absolute lie. I have forced myself to take the blame for every single thing that has ever happened to us because I believed it would all work out in the end. I have resorted to physical harm to myself to deal with the pain you have caused me due to your cruel tactic of making yourself the victim time and time again. You walked all over me because you made me weak enough that I wouldn't be able to stand on my own two feet if you left me. This only caused you to push more and more boundaries.

The only people left in your life are people you continue to manipulate and treat with absolutely no respect. They love you too much to walk away from you, that is because they are your blood. You need to learn a lesson from this, me being the girl that was the "love of your life", someone you "couldn't live without". I have sat with you on the floor of the bathroom not only on the phone, but in person, begging you to not take your own life. I have seen you at your darkest and the way you are acting now is not withholding you from going back to that place. I promise you if you continue to live your life this way, you're going to have burned all of your bridges with the people who will see past every sin you have sinned and every crime you've committed. 

I would loved to have loved you until the very end of this life,  but you broke me down to the deepest and darkest place of my life. Some things are just too difficult to bear. I used to cry about how amazing you were to my friends, saying how you've been there for me at my darkest nights, only to realize the only reason you were there with me is because you put me there. 

I pray and hope you get your life together, make your wrongs right, before it is too late. You will always be a thought in the back of my mind, but don't think for a second that I will ever allow you back into my life ever again.

I wish nothing but the best for you. You have so much potential that could be used for good instead of evil. 

Please love your parents and family until the day you leave this earth. You lucked out with the people who have been placed in your life and should count your blessings everyday that they haven't walked out despite the many reasons you've shown them to do so. 

Please learn that love isn't a mind game you get to play with people. People aren't disposable, you cannot continue to use people until they're no longer useful to you and decided to throw them out.

Thank you for being my first love, you taught me more than I ever thought I would know about love by age 18.

We are going in separate directions for a reason and I'm taking all I learned with me. You put me through my absolute hell, and I for years, thought it was love. I have finally escaped that hell.

once always yours,

m.