Life Without A Dad

With Father's Day being right here, it reminds me of how I never really experienced it and how I never really got to experience life with a dad. I had my grandpa, my uncles and my best friend's dad, but at the time, I didn't realize that was all I ever needed. I saw most of the kids around me having the full family of the mom and dad, and I just always wanted it. When it was Easter and Christmas time, I would always ask the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus for my dad. I never even communicated with my dad, so I would have been okay with just a call. I've only met my dad twice throughout my life and I'm 19.

Years later, I realized that I didn't matter to him, never did and probably never will. At the time, yeah, it hurt because I have always been the type of person that when someone else doesn't like me it tears me apart. With this situation, it was ten times worse because I wanted him to love me so badly. Now at this point in my life, I could care less about what he thinks about me because he was never there for me to see me grow up or see my accomplishments. When I make something of myself, he better not try to come back in my life because he wasn't there for all the bad times. He is the reason it will be hard for me to finally find love and make sure that person will be worthy enough to help raise a child. He is the reason it is so hard for me to trust fully because I used to spend countless nights waiting for a phone call. Even though he has made it difficult for me, I am still grateful for all of these things.

I am grateful because I will not settle for someone and I will not get hurt quite as much because I will not trust so easily. I am the most grateful because all these things cause me to love and when I love, I love hard and it never dies. I love my family and friends with everything I have; I give them every ounce of love I have. When I finally find the one, he is going to be lucky because I will love him unconditionally and do just about anything for him. So with all that said, I don't want to be mad anymore at you, Dad. Instead, I want to say thank you. Thank you for never loving me, thank you for never calling me and most importantly, thank you for never being a part of my life. With you not doing any of this, it allowed me to become the strong, young woman I am today with the help of my amazing mom. I don't have any idea where I would be without her; she has given up so much to give me the incredible life that I have now. We very rarely see eye-to-eye, but it's only because we are so much alike. I never really have appreciated the fact that everyone says we are so much alike, but it is also the ultimate compliment.

I can only hope to be the strong, loving, caring, hardworking, sassy won't-take-no-crap-from-anyone woman that she is. She is the only parent I have ever needed and I wish I could go back and realize it sooner. I often wondered what it would be like with you in my life and the kind of person I'd be, but honestly, I know I'm a much better person without you ever being a part of it. Momma and I have it all under control. Happy Father's Day, Mom!