When I turned 15 on June 3rd, I had no idea what I’d be getting myself into. Urban Dictionary describes “15” as “one of the worst ages of being a teenager. [One is] in the middle and [one winds] up with the most problems that age. [One is] too young to drive without an adult, cannot go to the prom, and get a part time job like real teenagers.” It’s not like turning 15 and being a teenager was a choice; if it was, I’d just skip it and go straight to my dream college and live my dream life.

Sometimes, when I feel especially stressed and overwhelmed with my life, I close my eyes and imagine everything having gone the way I wanted it to: my dream life. (It’s May of my senior year in college. I’d be graduating from Syracuse University, Newhouse school of communications to be specific, with a degree in broadcast journalism. I just closed on an apartment in New York City, the greatest city in the world, and my job at the Today Show starts in a few months.) Then, I open my eyes, and I’m still the awkward, insecure, terrified 15-year-old girl I am today. I guess that’s how it works, all you want is to be “grown up” until you actually are. When I was younger, I desperately wanted to go to bed late. While “late” was 9:30, I still would’ve killed to watch and extra episode of iCarly. These days, I tend to feel lucky and happy if I can get to bed before 11:30. It’s funny how that happens, people constantly want what they can’t have. I try to tell myself that these are “the years” and that I’m going to miss high school when I’m older, but I really don’t see that happening. How could high school be “the years?” Four years of petty, backstabbing, lying girls, combined with rude, arrogant, ignorant boys don’t sound like “the years” to me. Especially not with the added pressure of AP classes and non-sympathetic teachers.

While being 15 is unfortunate for a number of reasons, I think the worst part of being 15 is the inability to express your feelings. When you’re young, any time you have an opinion is a big moment; you’re a little kid and you’re speaking up about what you think, what you believe in. When you’re an adult, people just assume that whatever you say, your opinions and your voice, are well thought out and valid. However when you’re in between, when you’re 15, people assume you’re saying the first thing that comes to your mind. You’re too old for little things to matter, but too young for a big thing to make sense. This is the worst part about being 15.

Today, in my grade 10 honors English class, we looked at statements that identify with various points from Veronica Roth’s bestseller Divergent. One of the statements was “A strong leader is somebody who does what’s best for the greater good.” We then had to say whether we agree, disagree, or neither agree nor disagree with the statement. Our teacher asked us to raise our hands if we agreed. I looked around as the whole class raised their hands, I stared down at my paper and read my own response to myself. It was not what everyone else said. The teacher then asked for the people who disagreed to raise their hands. My hand was the only hand in the air. After looking around at the class of people staring at me, potentially judging me for my reasoning, I began to say why I disagreed with the statement, per my teacher’s request. “There’s a difference between being a good leader and a strong leader,” I said. “A good leader is someone who does what’s best for the greater good. A strong leader is someone who leads passionately and takes whatever means are necessary to get what they think is best, even if it means not listening to anyone else and making selfish choices.” As I looked around the room, I could tell that people were seriously thinking about what I had said. It was one of those amazing moments where you just know you made a difference. Even though it wouldn’t affect anyone in the long run, my point of view and my opinion affected other people’s opinions and thoughts. I just wish life was always like that.

Mahatma Gandhi once said, “be the change you wish to see in the world.” That is simply what I, and a lot of other 15-year-olds and teens want to do. I want to be able to make an impact on the world with my thoughts and opinions, but given my age and “maturity level,” nobody will listen. It feels like quicksand. All you want to do is break free and move on, to say what you feel. Nobody will listen because you’re too old, but also too young and there’s nothing you can do about it; you just have to wait it out. In other words, you’re stuck. I, as a 15-year-old, am stuck waiting to be heard.