Dear passion,
It’s really hard for me to put this into words. I have been dreading this day for months at this point. As much as it hurts, as much as I hate saying it. This is most likely goodbye.
Times have changed. My life has changed. Unfortunately, you are not in my future right now. As much as I want you to be, I just can’t see it right now. The circumstances are harsh and close to unpreventable, but that’s the just the way this has to be. I am so sorry this how our almost 11-year journey has to end, with a goodbye.
I remember when we met for the first time. That day was so confusing, I didn’t understand what was happening honestly. All I know is something pulled me towards those drumsticks sitting on the table. I didn’t walk towards the brass or woodwind instruments, I walked towards the sticks. And the guy there asked: “Is this what you want to do?” Not knowing what was happening, I said yes and was on my way. That’s what started the whole journey, a simple conversation and me being confused, sounds about right. The years before 8th grade were painful to say the least. I didn’t have the slightest clue what I was doing the entire time, and I could imagine the music I was making could not in any way be considered artistic what so ever. I wanted to quit because I honestly didn’t like it, I didn’t understand you, and that in turn made me feel like you were not the right thing for me to continue doing. Despite having an extremely awful music teacher in 7th and 8th grade that almost tore us away from each other, we survived, and we took up drum lessons.
Michael Culligan. That man saved us. He made sure we stayed together. In less than a year, he made me realize you WERE the right thing for me to be doing. He taught me to love you, he taught me how to be better, he taught me how to drum. I owe my entire experience with you to him. When things got tough, he was there. I wanted to quit again, he sat me down and explained to me all my options, but the most important takeaway I had from that conversation was that he made sure that I knew no matter what I did, it was my decision. He cared about us. He cared about me. He was so proud when he found out we redeemed ourselves after our failure my junior year. That day I told him I was captain and playing snare the next year, he was so happy. He said he always knew I would make it, he never doubted us. He never gave up on us.
I thought you were going to be my future. I had practiced so much those last two years of high school it seemed as if music was the only reasonable option for me to take forward. That last performance on stage, damn. I’ve never been more proud of us. We CRUSHED that performance. We made so many people so happy. We really made it.
From that point, everything has kind of slowed to a halt and fallen backwards. It just isn’t the same anymore. Nothing is the same. Everything we do now feels fake and artificial. I could blame certain things and people, but it just isn’t worth it. What is worth it though is making sure I end this on good terms; I won’t let shitty circumstances and people ruin what we shared together for so long. My heart has been hurting just thinking about parting ways, but I know it is the right thing to do. My heart just isn’t into it anymore, it doesn’t have a room in the place I used to consider my home. That home was you. Something we built together. That home is now dark and dreary and I’m ready to move on. I really, really, really, REALLY don’t want to, but I promise it is what’s best for us.
We created more memories than I could have ever dreamed of together, and I have plenty mementos and photos to remind me when we were in our prime. I miss those days. I miss when we were so good as a team. I miss our performances. I miss the hardships. I miss the time when all we had was each other. I miss it all. I was the one that joined us together, but now I’ll be the one that ends us. There is no mentor to hold my hand this time. The choice is completely mine, and I know what I must do. This is truly the best option I can think for both of us. I seriously cannot say sorry enough for this having to happen, it is without a doubt one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I’m letting a lot of people down by doing this, but I can’t thank them enough for always being there and inspiring me to be better then I was and teaching me that even the stars are not the limit. I’m sorry Mr. Krenn, I’m sorry Mr. Sarkis, I’m sorry Culligan, I’m sorry Mr. Tepsich, I’m sorry James. I can’t thank you all enough for getting me as far as I did. I could not have done it without you. Also, a special thanks to my parents, sister, and family who guided me along the way this whole journey and showed me endless support, despite the adversity we faced. Also, a special thanks to all the people I drummed with over the years, and even greater thanks goes to Carly, Dan, Aufman, Brent, Clayton, and Tyler.
So, I cannot prolong the inevitable any longer. Our journey officially ends here. Every once and a while I might play, I might participate in some events, but I’m no longer considering myself an active drummer, since I don’t see it in my future for much longer. It’s been a hell of a ride, but the road ends here. The day might come soon where I officially put away the sticks for good, but I will never get rid of the memories I have. I will never forget the bond we shared. I'm not calling the shots, I'm just calling it quits, this is goodbye.
-Yours Truly, Joshua “Bender” Bednar
Ours Truly, This Life
