Grandma what I should have told you when you were alive.

An Open Letter to My Grandma Who Passed Away

A long overdue letter, but I know you're watching over us.

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Julianna Kadian

Grandma,

If you were here I don't know if things would be different but the only thing I do know is that I still wish you were here. I miss the way you taught me how to cook, I miss the way you would tell me that you were so proud of me, I miss the way you would laugh at my lame jokes, I miss the way you would make sure I ate everything on my plate even if I was full, I miss the way you would make tense situations funny, I miss you. I regret not telling you how much you were appreciated when you were here.

I am so unbelievably grateful to call you my grandma, you taught me so much. You taught me things that I never knew I needed to know. You were amazing in every way, you always made great cookies, especially when you'd let me eat the raw dough! But above all that you taught me how to love and forgive when it mattered the most. You always taught me that no matter what hardship comes in life you have to remember that family is always first, that you love each other more than any fight or illness that happens. You taught me that families were never going to always get along or ever be perfect but you're all connected by heart. You taught me that family love overthrows everything in life. Families always had each other's backs even if you were not on perfect terms with each other. Even though some grudges you want to hold forever because the betrayal hurt, that you wish you had forgave your brother because family is the only people who will be there at the end of the day. So let go of the grudges, and hold each other a little tighter than the last time you held them because you don't know when is going to be the last time.

Our last conversation before you passed away was probably a conversation that I will always remember forever. You knew you were at the end of your life (even though we did not know), because things were not going well but you were okay with it. I thank you every single day for being the brave strong person you were because without that image of you I couldn't image being who I am today. I remember sitting in that hospital room with you, sitting right beside you just listening to you talk about everything in your life and how full of a life you had. Honestly, I don't listen to just anyone for hours about their life, because ugh! (Haha) but for you I wish those hours never ended. Those were some of the last few hours I ever spent with you. You reminded me then that being angry is not worth it because every second you're angry is a second you're not happy. Reminded me that happiness was the better option, you're healthier that way you told me. Also you reminded me that if it's family you're angry with to not let it last because family is forever and it does not matter what they did you are going to love them unconditionally.

You always tried to please everyone, but you realized that it is impossible to please everyone. In your words you said "In life you cannot please everyone, if they can't see all that you've done already for them and they burn bridges because of one thing that you could not do, then they are the ones who need to rethink their actions because you are one person and you cannot do it all. You have to remember your happiness should come first" To be honest she never really ever put her happiness first, but she is stronger than most people. She found her happiness in her grandchildren and children's smiles. To remember that everything happens for a reason, don't regret one single thing because at the time you did it, that is what made sense.

She also taught me how to be loved, by always being an example for me. The way that grandpa and grandma were together was a love that was unbreakable. Grandma wanted me and everyone I ever met for me to share this piece of advice, love might seem perfect but it's not. Love is work, marriage is work, both people must be willing to do things for each other that they would not normally do. Love challenges you to be a better you. She said that "if you don't feel like you're the luckiest girl, and the only girl in the world with him being the only one you want to spend all your nights with then he is not the one". Grandma always was there for me when I was heartbroken, she wanted me to know that every heartbreak was a lesson to learn from to make that the one you're going to say I do to the best love you'll ever know that you'll forget that heartbreak exists. Your marriage with grandpa was a love that was so pure, you said to jump he said how high. He would tease you, and you'd just look at him and say I love you and laugh. Marriage you always said did have fights but to never go to bed mad, because then you'll wake up angry and no one likes waking up angry.

I love you forever and always.

Miss you more than you know.

Love,

Me

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