Dear ED,
I can’t believe how long it’s been since we first met. It’s crazy how quickly time has gone by since then. You came into my life at such a fragile moment; a time when I was growing and adapting to a new environment. You came into my life by surprise and so quickly. I unknowingly let you take over my mind and my body and warp my thoughts into the worst ones. You got ahold of my soul and intertwined it with yours so we became one entity. An unhealthy entity it was.
The months you held my hand so tightly were the worst months of my life. You suffocated me and made me feel like I wasn’t able to live my life on my own. You clung to me and tried to make me do exactly what you wanted whenever you wanted. I gave my life to you and in return you destroyed me. You DESTROYED me. You stole endless amounts of time, adventures, and love from me. I’ll never forgive you for the endless hours of exercise with spots in my eyes from my fatigue and weakness. I’ll never forgive you for the starvation, cravings, and loneliness I felt as I spent most of my time asleep aside from exercise. You wouldn't let me tell anyone about you. My face was constantly flooded with tears that soaked so deeply into my skin. You had me sobbing after every meal regardless of what it was. I went months without my favorite foods just because you refused to let me enjoy almost anything. You severed my connections with loved ones because you wanted all of me invested in all of you. You had me stand in front of mirrors and pick away each possible flaw I could possess. My beautiful hair became so brittle and with every touch sections would fall to the floor. I missed out on events because you dragged me to the gym. You drew circles under my eyes and colored them in black. You held me back. I became my own stranger.
The thing I've come to know, ED, is that a little bit of you will always be buried within me. I feel you sometimes creep up behind me and scratch my back lightly, but I now know how to push you away. I am so proud and happy to say that I have rebuilt myself; I have FOUND myself without you. I have learned how to tuck you beneath it all and ignore you at all costs. Separating from you was one of the biggest challenges I have ever had to face. I didn’t even realize how attached I was to you until I really needed to let go. Each day of my fighting, hard work, and dedication to go my own way paid off. Recovery was a battle worth trekking through.
Now that you are out of my life, I am honestly doing so much better. Life is so beautiful, ED. You tried to make me think that wasn’t the case, but you were so wrong. LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL. I wake up every morning now and instantly look outside at how blessed and lucky I am to be alive. Life is so fragile, so unique. I cannot believe I almost let you take that from me. You did all you possibly could to tear me apart from the world but I didn't allow that to happen. I’m so happy I am free of you. I can enjoy and appreciate life in a whole new way now.
It feels so good to say I know myself. I know I am a person who loves music tremendously. A person who loves sunsets and walks on the beach. A person who isn't afraid to be themself. A person who loves bagels, chocolate and baking. A person who loves to go on adventures and explore the world. I am a person with an eating disorder, but I am also a person who has fought through recovery and learned to cut out my demons, more specifically you. I am a person who I want to be.
This letter is given to you publicly, ED, because I want the world to know about you and how deeply you impacted my life. I want the world to know that I am no longer embarrassed of you. I kept you hidden and a secret for so long and I am not letting you control any part of me any longer. So many men and women around the world have parts of you in them as well, and I wish them the absolute best because I wouldn't wish you upon my worst enemy. No one should be afraid to admit they have been in a relationship with you because you are NOT our fault. I hope that with enough information out there and if the stigmas associated with you end, that you will be defeated and no longer exist in any of our lives. Every person, soul and body on this planet is beautiful.
You are a big part of my past ED. Something I will never forget. But I learned so much from you. I am stronger, better, healthier, lovelier, and happier than I ever have been.
