I do not hate you.
I have dealt with you for the longest time and, unfortunately, you have become a part of me. I hate that feeling. I hate how it has become increasingly hard to get out of bed in the morning, or the fact that the slightest bit of productivity that I force myself to exert throughout the day ends up exhausting me. It is awful, yet all I am able to do is smile. I have had to hide you from so many people. Why? I always thought that telling someone would in time, turn everyone away. It is an awful experience, to feel like you are constantly living in a bubble that ends up suffocating you until all you want to do is collapse and peel you away from society. What bothers me the most about you is that I don't even remember how you came into my life, and why me? I was so happy. Now all I know is how to fake a smile to please everyone.
In total, I feel helpless. Nothing works for you. I feel as though I will never be happy again. You keep coming back at the most inconvenient times where I feel that I am getting better. However, every bit of happiness is stripped away from me as soon as you come around. You, and your best friend: Anxiety. Now, my whole plan was to write tips on how to overcome you. I have one problem, though. I, myself, have no idea how to overcome depression. It is not something that I can push to the back of my mind. I can try, but every time I do, you end up coming back up in full agonizing force. I cannot catch a break. I wish you didn't exist. I hate the fact that I see my peers walking around. Smiling. Laughing. Why can't I do that? It makes my life harder than it needs to be. I understand, you probably need a friend as well. That must be why you hang around me so often at random parts throughout the day. If that is the reason, then I understand.
I know how it feels to be surrounded by so many people in your life, yet feel alone. I think you have something to do with that, though. I just wish that you didn't have to take so much out of me. All I want is to finish school, spend time with my amazing family and friends, and strive in my career. You stand in the way. I apologize, but there is no other way to say this: you need to go. I can't continue to feel like this every single waking moment of my life. I need room to breathe, and frankly, you are way too clingy. I would love to have the life that I used to think was so amazing back, but the more I deal with you, the more I see it slipping away. I hate getting the 'just be happy' responses because no one honestly knows how it feels to deal with you unless they have before. I just want to know what exactly you want from me. But, look, I am not trying to fight with you. I have before and it is just going to add on to my exhaustion that you already give me. Needless to say is that I am done with you.
Once again, I do not hate you. I do, however, want you out of my life once and for all.
Consider this your eviction notice.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
