I don't know who took away your pride. I don't know who took away your sense of self-worth and love. I don't know who made you feel like you were alone. I don't know what triggered you to leave us all behind.
I don't have an answer to any of those things; I wish I did. I wish I would have known what was bothering you. I wish I would have known what was eating at you so deep, that you felt like you had no other option. I wish I would have had the chance to tell you my story, and then hear yours.
I am hurting because there are new beginnings. There are new beginnings for everyone. Each day, each move, each change is a new canvas for you to paint your favorite picture on. Graduation, a new job, college and the academy are all chances for a new beginning. I wish you could have seen that in less than a month, you would have been painting a new picture, a masterpiece.
I am hurting because of how strong you are. There was never a time that you would let your emotions control the way you acted towards others. No matter what struggles you were facing, you were everyone else's safe haven. You built your walls and were strong for all of us who weren't strong enough. I wish that there was just one time that all of those walls would have came down so we could all help you for a change.
I am hurting because of our memories. The days of soccer, track and field and school are all in the past, but memories always remain in the present. I will never have a funnier, stronger, more valuable teammate than you. There will never be another athlete to replace you, no matter how may times they run someone over during a soccer game. I wish you could have seen that all of your teams were your family.
I am hurting because our community is hurting. My friends, your friends, my family, your family, our coaches, our teachers and everyone in between has become one close-knit community. We have all come together to support each other like you would be supporting us. Seeing your best friends hysterically crying because you aren't around to make them laugh anymore hurts me. Seeing your family look helpless and sad hurts me. Seeing everyone who has ever known you or cared about you crying and hugging hurts me. I wish you could see that although a lot of people kept it quiet, we all love you and are hurt.
I don't know the answers to anyone's questions. I don't know if we ever will. I do know that you are missed. You are remembered. You are being mourned over. Most importantly, you are loved. I wish you could have seen all of this before that day, but you didn't. Although we are all carrying your pain, now, I pray that you are as pain free as you have ever been.
