To the thoughts that consume me,
What's it been now? Over ten years? It's hard for me to remember a time where we weren't fighting each other.
One of the most complicated aspects of depression is that it's a battle that's going on inside your head. When you have to pretend to put on a happy face for your job or for others, it can sometimes make everything worse. It took a while to realize that repressing emotions only allows them to have more control over you.
Over the years, the reasons for my depression have varied.
First of all, we're all different. Some of us deal with the world and our problems differently. While some are able to stay positive, others have to work an extra step or two to stay in that mindset. Sometimes, it feels impossible.
It's also biological. My family has a history of depression and mental illness, so it comes as no surprise that it would affect me as well.
For a majority of my life, I was repressing a lot of frustration and sustaining contempt for myself. I didn't want to accept who I was and I wanted to be who society expected me to be.
After I dealt with that aspect of my life, what came next? Why was I still unfulfilled and dissatisfied?
No matter what I've done or where I've traveled, depression always found me. It was lingering deep inside of me to strike back when I was beginning to feel happy.
I was depressed and often suicidal in my hometown growing up. For the first few years of college, that didn't change. I was unhappy with where I was in life.
Even as things started to get better and I began to find myself, depression found me in California. New York. Prague. At a certain point, those thoughts and emotions always found a way to come back to the forefront and grab my attention.
Perhaps this will always be something I'm working through in life. I'm not sure I will ever fully be satisfied with what I'm doing or where I am. Maybe that doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. If I feel complete, what else would there be to live for? What would there be to improve?
However, I can continue to work on changing my attitude. I can focus more on appreciating what I have rather than what I don't. I can be easier on myself and give myself credit for the things I have accomplished rather than goals I have yet to reach.
I need to give myself a moment to breathe. My life isn't going to change in a day.
Everything seems scary in your twenties. It's overwhelming. You're an adult but you're still a kid. You want to explore the world and meet new people and try new things because you're young. Everyone keeps telling you how young you are and how much time you have left.
The question is, what are you going to do with that time?
I'm not going to continue being sad and feeling sorry for myself. Even if things don't go as I had imagined, at least I can say I tried. If I don't try, I'll never know what could have been.
You're not going to win this time, depression. I will no longer be another one of your victims. I will be a victor.
