You're being forewarned: To some of you, this post may be dripping with too much personal information--too much mention of struggle, too much admission of individual faults, too much confession of weariness, doubt, and insecurity. To others, you may be able to relate — whether you find yourself in the same stage of life or you're in the middle of a similar brawl with the Lord.

I am currently journeying through my senior year of college — the year that is supposed to be familiar yet somehow new because so many things are ending. In my mind, this year was supposed to be the one where the familiarity made everything sparkle with a degree of effortlessness. But frankly, this school year has been anything but that & it's nothing like I expected.

Emotionally, I feel like my heart has been under construction for quite a time now. This year I've been consistently and lovingly nudged to rediscover where my priorities should fall. If I'm honest, I've been lost for a while because I've let the ways of the world convince me that I should be pursuing things the Lord knows I'm not ready for. In truth, I've been in denial about where I should be directing my attention and love for others.

And so, it's been a reasonably turbulent and rocky trek. Because if I really look into what the source of my difficulty has been, then I'll have to shamefully admit that I've been angry at God for taking things away that I was hopelessly holding onto. I was hurt and deeply offended that my plans weren't reciprocated by the Creator. So much so that I continued chasing a love that He knew I'd never find without Him because until I turned my heart back to him completely then We were never going to see eye-to-eye.

Now that I can contemplate, it's strange to think that I was willing to give so much more than I was ever going to receive and that I was so eager to keep searching for an answer in a place that I knew was wrong and unfulfilling. Because it's not like I didn't know it. I knew there was nothing to gain because where I was going didn't seem right in my gut. I was missing something wherever I went, whoever I was with.

The Lord works in ways I'll never understand. He has placed opportunities in my life that has allowed me to come back to him in a brand new way. He knows where I've been, who I've been, and who I'm becoming.

So, who I am? I am the Lord's first because the way he loves is astounding and miraculous. It's where I should begin and end with every thought and decision.

Time and time again He proves that He isn't going anywhere, yet it feels like I fail to see that because I'm prideful, hurt, and full of resentment. Well, Lord, I can't hold myself up any longer without completely handing over my life. I can't continue to pretend everything is okay because it's not and I'm not, but I will be as You continue to heal me.

How am I to heal? How am I to love? How am I to find happiness? How am I to find what I've been searching for?

I just have to let Him love me first. I am His before I am mine. Then I am mine before I can be anyone else's.

See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him — 1 John 3:1