Close your eyes. Now think back to the name of your first love. Did you think of yourself? I'm going to take a wild guess and say your name was probably the last to come to your mind if it even came to your mind at all. So, why is that?
We see ourselves at the best and worst times of our life. We see what happens behind closed doors. We know every battle we have secretly had to overcome all alone. We know every thought that goes through our mind. We know our true selves better than anyone else. We know all the times we faked a smile to make it through the day. So wouldn't that make you think we would love ourselves a little bit more? Just by knowing how truly individually amazing we are. Wouldn't you think we would actually love ourselves enough to put us first?
Unfortunately, this is rarely the case. I think if we all took a class on self-love at this very moment we would all fail. I wish this wasn't the case. But as I imagine, you really are the last thing to come to your mind when you are asked about who you love the most. It's okay. My name was the farthest thing from my mind too.
Now, you may also be thinking what I have written so far is complete crap. Do I love myself? Of course, I love myself, you might be saying. You might think that you would put yourself first in any situation. That you would never harm yourself in any way. That's great to hear. But tell me why when you looked into the mirror this morning you managed to make yourself aware of every flaw on your face.
Every single wrinkle, pimple, freckle, etc. If you loved yourself so much, then tell me why you even take the time to notice these things. Tell me why you haven't stepped on a scale in six months. What are you scared of. You said you loved yourself, right? So why would a number all of a sudden diminish this unconditional love for ourselves? You say you love yourself and that you would never hurt yourself in any way.
Well, words hurt. Maybe not physically, but emotionally words can do a lot of damage to your soul.
So don't you think you would find yourself just a tad more bit amazing and beautiful if you really and I mean really loved yourself to the extent you claim you do. Of course, we all wish we could change some things about ourselves. But it's when you degrade yourself more than you admire yourself that there becomes a problem. A self-love problem.
There's self-love of your attributes, but there's also a much deeper kind of self-love. The kind where you have to love yourself enough to know when you deserve better.
I wish more than anything that this world, as it took the people I loved most, would have taken my whole entire heart with it. As death ripped out the majority of it, somehow a few little pieces still managed to hang around. To my disadvantage, these little pieces tend to love harder than most fully functioning hearts. That would be great and all, except they fail to love themselves just as much.
I wish I could just go through life without a care in the world. I wish that when a friend decided their chapter was over in my book of life that I could just put a period at the end of the sentence and move on. Instead, I write three little dots and hope I return to that chapter someday. I wish I cared about my own feelings as much as I care about others. I wish this life I've been given would have turned these little straggling pieces of my heart cold. Despite what they've endured, they have somehow managed to still love others to an extent I'm afraid they'll never get back in return. A lesson they have a hard time learning.
You would think I would be wary of loving another person so much. I know how sudden things can change. I'm not oblivious to the fact that people can walk out of your life without warning at any moment and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. I'm not oblivious to the fact that we don't get to decide who dies and who doesn't. I'm not oblivious to the fact that not everyone is capable of loving someone back at the same intensity that person has grown to love them. And yet here I am.
Nineteen years old and still willingly loving someone else that may or may not be in my life tomorrow. Allowing myself to be taken advantage of time after time. Allowing myself to love someone that doesn't deserve me. Allowing myself to hinder my growth in order to allow those lower than me to catch up. All I'm doing is hurting myself. You would think I'd have a little more respect for myself. At least enough to treat myself how I treat others. But no. I'd still find a way to jump in front of a bullet to save someone that happens to be the one behind the trigger.
So I think it's time I took control of my own life. For way too long I've allowed these tiny pieces of my heart to make some of the most important decisions in my life. That can't happen anymore. They have absolutely no self-control. So today's the day.
The day the girl with the tough exterior but very fragile inside learns her worth. The day I return to myself the love I so freely gave out to others. Today's the day the game changes. Today is the day I learn that I am enough and that I deserve someone that feels that same way. There's just too many people in my life that haven't gone through enough to know how to properly love someone like me. And I shouldn't have to teach them.
So today's the day this ol' girl learns how to love herself enough to know when its time to walk away from things that no longer serve a purpose in her life. Today is the day she starts living the life she constantly tells others to live.