We sat on his floor-
A moment I had been taught to anticipate since childhood
A moment I hoped would dissolve the fear that lurked in my subconscious,
A moment meant to prove to myself that I was not an abnormality.
We sat on his floor-
Faces drawing nearer,
Two kids playing video games on the bedroom floor
Door not open, but not quite closed
I know now that that overwhelming anticipation was a cloak concealing the real culprit that lie deep within me
Her name was Dread
We sat on his floor-
heart racing
Stomach churning full of bad butterflies
trying to escape the cage that was my body with filthy desperation
We sat on his floor-
Our lips met and I felt broken,
No, not broken,
I felt nothing.
I felt empty.
We sat on his floor-
I texted my mom,
"Please come pick me up, I don't feel well."
I told a lie.
"My mom says I have to come home, she's on her way"
Another lie.
We sat on his floor-
I think we kissed again
My mind left my body, leaving it empty; defenseless.
Soulless on that floor,
head spinning in the worst of ways.
Chaotic like a train without a conductor,
Hurtling towards the unknown
Flash forward
We sat in my car-
I tasted mint in my mouth and felt the stage makeup plastered on my face,
My hair pulled atop my head in a boyish manner.
Everything heavy with hairspray, and a wave of overwhelming fear that made my head spin.
We sat in my car-
Again I told a lie.
"I have to run home, I forgot my charger"
We sat in my car-
Behind the high school,
In a silence I didn't entirely mind.
This time I knew exactly what to feel.
Her name was Fear.
But in that dark, crowded parking lot lurked a stranger.
We sat in my car-
Her hand on my knee, facing one another
My mind had thrown out all knowledge of human function.
We sat in my car-
My heart raced in my chest
Faster than a horse from the gates after being tied up for far too long
We sat in my car-
Under a street light in the back parking lot
She asked me "can I kiss you?"
Elementary by nature but sweet nevertheless
We sat in my car-
Before the word yes could fall from my lips in an eager, impetuous manner,
Her hands grabbed my face as her lips met mine with an impatience I hadn't expected.
We sat in my car-
In that moment the world stopped
I was exactly who I feared I was,
but in that moment I didn't give a damn.
We sat in my car-
The stranger in the darkness had finally caught up.
And just like that,
my pieces fell into place.
Fear transformed herself into someone else.
She is Pride-
In that moment
I was simply human.
One body connecting with another,
Null and void of anything anatomical.
She is Pride-
I am not broken,
Or abnormal,
Or as the religion I grew up in calls me,
Abominable,
A word I wish we could save for storybook snowmen.
She is Pride-
and with her she brought a friend,
One called Love.
I am not broken.
I am not broken, but by god, I am bent
And fuck yes, I will repeat it until I cannot anymore
I am not broken.
Neither are you.
Neither are those who came before us,
Brave souls who fought the battle that got us this far, some giving their lives to further a cause they so desperately believed in.
Often trans women, many of color.
Women who pioneered revolutions, rebellions, and protests, women who embody this name; Pride
Neither are all the others,
Those who fore fronted the fight for justice even when it was inconvenient, or outright dangerous.
And neither are those who will come after.
The young, queer kids that we look back on
seeing far too much of our young, terrified selves '
Hiding who they are because it is easier, or safer
and we ache with them.
Just as we ache to change the world,
Trudging just a little further, pushing just a little bit harder
so maybe they won't have to be afraid.
And one more time I will say it.
WE ARE NOT BROKEN
You are loved and we accept you
If you have no Mother we will be your mother,
If you have no Father we will be your father,
If you have no family,
Remember "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."
A quote often turned into itself and given the opposing meaning.
We will be your family.
The only thing broken is society
And our hearts for those who have lost
or taken their own lives for loving who they love,
or simply being who they are.
She is Pride-
She stands for those too afraid to stand.
Speaks for those too afraid to speak.
For those not living, but simply surviving.
We've been here.
We will be here.
We will persevere.
She is Pride, and she will lead us.
