I can count the number of social media accounts I've owned on the stubby little fingers I used to give my followers content. Facebook, Twitter, tumblr, they're all dead now that I'm finally alive. And you know something else? Leaving social media has changed me for the better. No more poopy diapeys. I don't know where I'm going to post this article because they used to go to tumblr and Facebook, but I'll be sure to toss it somewhere like the rest of my spewage. You'll see it eventually. And before you ask, yes, I still have a Pinterest. I'm only human.
1. I've forgotten what thumbs are
What do you think of when you think of Facebook? Could it be your friend's grandma hijacking your "happy birthday," the color blue, or the 2020 Presidential Election? Me personally? I think of thumbs, specifically thumbs pointing upward. Well, I used to think of thumbs, but ever since I deleted my Facebook, I just don't see many thumbs anymore. I used to see so many thumbs every day, now I can count the number of daily thumbs I see on my own two hands, using just my thumbs. Sad react.
2. I've learned of sunlight
One thing my thumbs and I won't miss about social media is the amount of time I spent on it. Looking at top-down videos of food being made that I will never ever be able to eat? That's no way to live. Instead I ventured to the place where life began: outside. I don't know if you've heard of him, but there's this hot guy named Mr. Golden Sun. And people, he's single and looking to blind me. Mr. Golden Sun is SO hot that I can't even look at him without seeing stars. I can feel him on me because I start to get all sweaty and nervous. Mr. Golden Sun could have anybody he wants! But most days, he chooses me :3. Um, is it getting hot in here?! L-let's change the subject.
3. I've no idea what's going on
"Did you hear what the President did 36 minutes ago?" I don't know who the President is anymore. Now that I'm not being bombarded with opinionated news every conscious second of my existence, I'm a complete dope. I know very little about the way things are and how they ought to be. The only news I see is 5 seconds of Chris Hayes before I switch it to the easy listening channel. Daddy needs his glock(enspiel). My family leaves MSNBC on for our parrot so she can stay informed. Also, Rachel Maddow has bird-like features, so it comforts our bird to have her company in the room.
4. My neck could beat up your neck
I used to have neck pain from stooping over my phone, wishing happy to the otherwise forgotten birthdays Facebook so helpfully pressured me to acknowledge. But now I reckon I ain't look at nothing except the yellowbelly standing in front of me. My neck has been freed of its digital collar, and he is exercising more than just his right to cock. I finally see signs of a six-pack on my neck! The coveted v-taper on my neck! I look everywhere rapidly, throwing caution to the wind. I'm immune to whiplash. My neck tells the rest of my body what to do. Uh oh... He's waking up. Quickly! You must leave! He HATES guests!
5. My only friends are spiders
I think I hear him (that's my neck for those of you just scrolling down) calming down. False alarm. Although my neck wields an aversion to company, I ditched my fake online friends for some real ride-or-dies. Spiders are great company because they don't talk unless you want to. And they keep the ant population in check. For years I saw spiders discriminated against online, constant pictures of eight-legged innocents captioned with "Nope!" or "burn the house down!" As someone who no longer kills spiders, I pray one day Americans can just let them live. The friendly ones at least. If I see a brown recluse, it's going in a cup, then into the forest where it belongs. Unless it kills me first.
Social media is ultimately a good thing. But I had to get out. Couldn't stand the heat. I love my new aloof life. So many advantages to my more natural steez. Just ask the spider on my toe! Hey, stranger! I'm gonna name you Running Man because I watched that today. Ow! Running Man gave me a love bite! Buy me dinner first, Running Man! I feel dizzy all of a sudden. Like someone rammed their fist into my stomach and broke my god damned spine. Okay, a little more than dizzy. I think I need to lie down. I'll see you around! Ah, Running Man bit me again. Everything's going dark. Goodbye Running Maaaa... uwu