I'm 18 years old and I don't know how to drive.
There, I said it. But it's not my fault! I grew up in New York City — none of my friends have their licenses, because we all walk or take the train. And driving in the city is a nightmare, allegedly (I wouldn't know. I don't do it.).
But, after getting made fun of all semester at USC — where not knowing how to drive is unheard of for anyone over 16 — I decided to take my first driving lesson this summer.
I signed up for driving lessons at a place in the city with good Yelp reviews, and my instructor told me he'd pick me up at my apartment. I figured from there, he'd drive me to a safe place where he could teach me the basics, and allow me to practice driving for the first time without fear of crashing into other cars or pedestrians.
Little did I know, when he pulled up to my place, all he'd say was: "Get in and start driving."
"Uh, I've sort of never done this before. Aren't you gonna show me, like, the basics so I don't accidentally kill us?"
"Nah, just start driving. I'll tell you if you do something wrong."
Wait, WHAT?!?!?!
Here are 30 thoughts I had driving a car for the first time, with zero instruction or knowledge of how to operate it, in the middle of downtown New York City.
1. Okay, okay. I can do this. All I have to do is figure out how to turn it on.
2. How the hell do you move this lever thing — oh
3. Oh my god we’re moving help
4. I’m gonna kill someone. Or myself.
5. No, no, if most people my age can do this then so can I, because I am tough, and I am strong, and I am FEARLESS
6. HOLY SHIT PEOPLE ARE HONKING WHAT DO I DO
7. This is nothing like Mario Kart. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TURN THE WHEEL SO MUCH???
8. I’m on edge. This is Grand Theft Auto all over again. Will I get a badge in real life for running over ten old people in a row?
9. Hahaha just kidding I can’t joke about running people over when it might literally happen
10. If I crash this car, can the instructor sue me?
11. Why did I decide to learn in the city? Why couldn’t I have gone out to New Jersey like everyone else?
12. Hahaha because it’s New Jersey
13. Stupid pedestrians crossing the street when it’s not their light, the NERVE of these people —
14. OH NO IT IS THEIR LIGHT
15. Where do I even turn? I’ve walked here thousands of times but I don’t know the roads at all —
16. Nope, not there. That’s the highway.
17. Whoops, didn’t see that stop sign
18. If I drive slow, I can’t mess up again
19. WHY ARE PEOPLE HONKING
20. Okay, this isn’t that bad now that I’m out of traffic
21. The NERVE of people to honk at me when my car literally says “student driver,” can you believe it? I would never honk at a student driver…
22. Is this what road rage is?
23. Okay, calming down again.
24. This isn’t so bad. I feel like I finally know how many times to turn the wheel.
25. Can I add this to my resumé?
26. Maybe I can become an Uber driver!
27. Jk, I still have to learn to parallel park. YIKES.
28. Oh my god, my time’s up, I didn’t kill anyone!
29. I see my home! I’ve made it back alive!
30. SUCCESS!
