In August of 2015, I ran home to my sorority. This day will always be marked as one of the happiest days of my life. I look back at pictures and I can see how genuinely happy I was. Somewhere between now and then, that happiness and that love I felt, began to fade. But as we gathered around the night before initiation, singing and telling stories, I realized just how much I desperately wanted to fall in love with my letters again.
I'm pretty good at putting the blame on everyone but myself, which is exactly what I've done for the past few months. I stopped going to things and started avoiding people, because I let the negativity of a few affect my overall experience. I let burnt out friendships prevent me from finding new ones. I gave into fear and I gave into the paranoia that I could just never fit in. Somewhere along the way, I forgot that I ran home to this chapter for a reason and that I came here, because this group of girls thought that I did fit in with their sisterhood. They say that a few holes can sink a ship, but there's no reason that I can't build a new one. So, that's what I'm going to do.
If I had a dollar for every time I heard the phrase "you get out of it what you put into it" I would have a good bit of money. If I had a dollar for every time I didn't listen to that phrase, I'd have even more money. This is especially true with me and my sorority this school year. I put very little into it and I got very little out of it. I've had some pretty hard times in the last year and instead of trusting in my sisters, I shut them out. I let a few bad friendships skew my views of over a hundred girls. It was dumb and it was childish and it caused me to waste an entire year in my sorority. While I can't get this past year back, I can try and make the next few a lot better.
I guess I was never really a "sorority girl" and I still don't really fit into society's mold of what a sorority girl is (most of us don't) and the more I told myself this, the easier it was to distance myself. I came up with countless excuses as to why I shouldn't go to things. It was rarity for me to show up to anything. So, the less I showed up to, the more disconnected I felt, which just lead to me showing up even less. It's a vicious cycle that lead to me wanting to drop just about everyday, but I know that there's a reason I haven't done that.
I cannot wait to discover that reason. I'm already so much more excited about the fall semester than I was just a week ago. I'm excited to live in the house and I'm even a little excited for recruitment. I'm going to stop making excuses and start forming closer bonds with my sisters. Everything happens for a reason, even the bad things. Maybe I had to go through this rough year to truly appreciate my sorority or to find the people who I know will stick with me through anything. Maybe I'll find the position that's perfect for me, who knows? But I do know that I'm ready for whatever comes.
I don't know exactly why I stopped loving my sorority, because no matter what I thought, my sorority never stopped loving me.