Just a few weeks ago, I, a 20-year-old woman, tripped over my own two feet, and fell down a flight of stairs, severely spraining my ankle. Before you ask, no, I wasn't drunk (it was noon on a Wednesday). Injuring myself is not a rare occurrence for me in any way, shape or form, but as I was sitting in the emergency room, I began reflecting on all the stupid injuries I have incurred and how my injuries are somewhat comical. So, instead of just laughing at myself, I thought that others should be able to laugh along with me, so enjoy the chronicles of a klutzy girl.
1. Handicap Button — Age 2
One day my family and I are going to church, and I trip and fall into a handicap button, aka the silver circle you push to open the door, catching the upper skin of my eyelid on the metal. Three stitches later, and thus the chronicles began.
2. Dog Bite — Age 3
I don't know what inclined me to do this (I'm just going to chalk it up to the fact that I was not a very smart kid), but I somehow thought it was a good idea to pretend to eat my grandparents' dog's food. I have my face down near the food dish, and Muffin, not having any of that, bites down on my upper lip. Three more stitches!
3. Corner of a wood — Age 3
Apparently, my other eye felt left out and wanted a cool eyelid scar too. I am crawling on the floor of my friend's house and must have not been paying attention (shocking as that may seem) and my other eyelid catches on the corner of a wood table.
4. Archery — Age 8
I wish that I could say that I cut myself on an arrowhead, but alas, I am not that cool. Nope, this chick instead cuts the bottom of her eye open with the END of an arrow. I blame Girl Scout camp for thinking that archery is a good activity to do with a group of 8-year-old girls. Only medical superglue this time, no stitches (WOOT WOOT!)
5. Pinky — Age 11
I know this may come as a shock to those of you who didn't know me as a child, but I used to be sporty. Well, one day while I am sporting at soccer practice, another girl trips me and my hand lands right in front of the ball. Needless to say, I don't have enough time to move my hand before that same girl kicks with all her might and my pinky bears the brunt of the injury. I remember getting in the car after practice, not in any pain, holding up my pinky to my dad and him responding with, "Umm I don't think pinkies are supposed to look like rotten meatloaf." Thanks, Papa. (Side note: that girl and I were the best two goalies on the team, and I still to this day believe that she broke my pinky on purpose to eliminate the competition. But it's fine; I'm not bitter about it or anything).
6. Separated Plates — Age 12
Semi-finals of the state basketball tournament are the stage for this injury. I'm playing defense on this short, little point guard and she fakes to the right and sprints to the left. Well, that must have been one the best fakes in history because all of a sudden I hear "crack!" Turns out I put too much weight on the plates in my right foot, and separated two of them. I will go down saying that that girl better be playing professional basketball because if you can break your opponent's foot without even touching them, you have a gift.
7. Achilles Tendon — Age 13
Clearly, the universe knew, long before I did, that sports were not for me. The first game of the soccer season, and I'm playing left defender, ready to fend off anyone who comes my way. Well, I take one step and my achilles tendon rips. The worst part is, THERE WAS NO ONE NEAR ME.
8. Torn Ankle Ligament — Age 14
After the lost soccer season and a 6 month undiagnosed illness (see previous article), I realize that sporting isn't for me anymore. However, my gym teacher seems to disagree. One day we are playing football in class and I miss a catch (my hand-eye coordination was subpar at best). I bend over to pick up the football and I trip over my own two fucking feet, falling down in pain. My gym teacher laughs his ass off and then proceeds to carry me inside.
9. Broken Foot — Age 16
I am in the play The Crucible in 10th grade, and I have to be barefoot for the opening scene since I am one of the characters participating in the weird satanic ritual they do at the beginning of the show. As we are doing our pre-show warm up, one of my best friends accidentally jumps right on my bare right foot. A full show with a broken foot and a boot later, and thus the chronicles continue.
10. Dislocated Elbow — Age 18
This has to be, by far, the dumbest one. As I am getting out of my car at the gym one day, my water bottle rolls under the passenger's seat. I crawl into the back to grab it and as I am reaching my arm under the seat, "POP!" In the moment, I don't feel any pain, so I do what any person who is still anxious to get their workout in would do and just pop it back into place.
11. Sprained Ankle — Age 20
I would love to say that I was having fun or doing something debaucherous, but, again, I am not that cool. I am leaving a discussion section for geology when I simply trip down the stairs, land wrong on my ankle, and it swells up like a balloon.
CAN THE CHRONICLE JUST BE DONE?