I love the concept of a journal. The idea of buying an adorable notebook and nice gel pens to make lists or jot down all the fun details of my day. I love the concept of being organized and every time I see a little planner I immediately buy it with the honest intention of consistently journaling my thoughts and plans. I view a new journal as a refresh button.

With all the boutiques, craft stores, online shopping sites, and Instagram ads I find, I am drawn into the colorful aesthetic world of organization and being perfectly put together. The fantasy of opening a pastel yellow diary and crafting a little cursive story as I sit peacefully in a coffee shop is the ideal way I'd spend a Sunday afternoon.

Realistically, I am terrible at being consistent. I'll start a journal, write two entries in colorful neat handwriting, and even doodle a little design in the corner of my page. Then I forget my journal until two weeks later when I need a piece of scrap paper.

I am an organized person; I am responsible and neat, and I manage to get through everything that needs to be done. But when it comes to writing a journal and remembering to record my life, I can't seem to keep one going.

The fantasy version of myself that I've created and idolized is consistent and neat and constantly on top of her game. I want to be put together and neat and always do my makeup or hair or coordinate my outfits with handbags. I want to write and leave something for my family and friends and even the future version of myself to read and reflect on.

But this isn't how my life works. I love moving around and finding new things and new people and constantly filling my day with unorganized spontaneous adventures. If I had a consistent journal it would be a mess of scribbles and side notes on the weird things I saw that day.

I often compare myself to other girls who just seem to have their lives together. I see the outfits and the makeup and their journals and I think "damn…I must be doing something wrong." I view my qualities and my daily activities as lesser than because I don't fit the fantasy stereotype I've created and attempted to become.

This isn't healthy, I know. I know the motivational posters and messages commanding me to "Be Yourself" are genuine messages I need to be reminded of. But like I said, after seeing all the Instagram ads, boutiques, craft stores, etc., I feel the need to alter who I am and restart my life in the form of buying a new journal.

There are days I'm completely content with myself, I'm not always having a personal identity crisis because of some $4.99 notebook. However, there are days I wonder, "I should be a different girl, maybe I should start a journal."

A journal for some may be a stressful commitment, for others, it may be a moment of peace in a busy day to reflect and remember all the little moments. There are a few journals I've had throughout my life that are still around and I love going back and reading old versions of myself. I read about whatever boy I liked at the time, why my parents were making me mad, and the little struggles of middle school and high school. Even though there are only a few pages per notebook with my life story, it's nice to get a glimpse of who I was and how far I've come.

Anyway, just some reflections. I'm sure I'll continue to grow in confidence with myself and become who I genuinely want to be…one journal at a time.