It's been hard for me to put into words the crippling fear I have felt, feeling more alone this month and living in a new place. Although I know I have people who love me and that God has a plan — it has been overwhelming at times.
As beautiful and life-changing my first year of college has been, I hid a lot from everyone. I can remember the off and on, but hiding them off is a lot easier when you are in college having the time of your life. I am now back in a new home, in a new place, a messy room, a chaotic life, and intense confusion about my future. I won't even talk about the online math course I am taking this summer.
What I've realized about life is that there will be all of this. I've thought many times that I'd rather do ANYTHING ELSE other than deal with the off. The off is unavoidable and necessary though. You see, no matter how well I think I am doing in life, I get knocked over. I think this obviously has a message. The message is that Jesus has a funny way of reminding me that I need Him. When life is great, God is great, but I always seem to forget that He is right in the midst of EVERYTHING, making even the ugly beautiful. He is holding my hand through everything, walking me through, and clearing the way for a view that has been there all along.
I realize life will be tough. Trust me, I understand chaos. I've also realized that many others deal with the same chaos, no matter how individual the pain feels. We all fall prey to the complete lie that Jesus Christ is either not real, not here, or not enough to fulfill the longings of our heart.
He totally is.
This week I was outside in my backyard and I decided to open my bible to a random page and I landed on a beautiful verse I needed:
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end." (Ecclesiastes 3:11)
Although I am in this chaotic mess of a life, I was able to find so much comfort in the story that Jesus confessed his love to us in. The enemy tells me to find it elsewhere, but I found in it in the divine romance that God gave me to read and learn. So yes. I am really becoming that person that says, "You need Jesus." Except, I'm kind of saying it to myself.
I need Jesus.
Rather than being preoccupied with solving my own chaos, I need to remember that being consumed with loving, knowing, serving, and worshiping the one true King is way more important and something I have been losing sight of. If I died tomorrow, I would NOT want to be worrying about what my room looks like or how my new swimsuit fits. That would really suck.
Overall, I need to remember that God made everything beautiful. Even my chaos.
