Life is and forever will be a complete mystery to humanity. Humans, as conscious beings, want to be in control of every single thing that happens to them in life. That, however, is not the case. For wanting to be so in charge, we have very little control over what happens in our lives. Every day of our lives, there's a possibility of death. Whether it's our own, or someone close to us, we can never truly predict it.

I have always processed information slightly different than other people. Ever since I was little I've always been more sympathetic to other's emotions and stories than worried about my own. I would always be the first to cry with a friend or cry at movies, but when it came to my own life, it was almost as if there was an invisible wall holding the rush of emotions from hitting me.

There's almost a separation from my negative emotions and my person.

I first realized this separation existed when my grandfather, Poppy was what I called him, died the day after Thanksgiving, a few years back. I was at a friend's house hanging out and having a good time when my step-mother at the time came to pick me up and take me back home to my mom's.

In the car, I was told that he had passed away and my dad was on a plane, headed to New Jersey for the funeral. Poppy, being Jewish, had to be buried pretty quickly after his death. While I did cry after I heard the news, I didn't allow myself to feel it completely. I let a few tears loose and then fell asleep in the car, only to grieve a few weeks later, alone in my room.

This time gap that occurred confused me and also made me feel guilty for not feeling it earlier. I had known that I chose to feel negative emotions when I was alone, but this feeling of grief should have hit me when I first heard the news. It's almost as if I have the ability to push specific negative emotions into a locker inside my mind and lock it down tight until I open it again. Well, that is the goal, but those emotions eventually end up breaking that said lock and overwhelming me at times.

I've recently lost the last of my childhood pets, which hit me a little harder than I was expecting. When I lost the first two of three, I, unfortunately, wasn't with them at the vet to say goodbye, so it was almost like because I didn't see it happen, it didn't. I was home with my last angel when it was her time.

I carried her to my car and carried her into the vet. Sitting with her while whispering sweet things in her ear caused me to fully come to the conclusion that all my animal's deaths were solidified. I, unfortunately, had to work immediately after our vet visit, so I couldn't grieve until I got home.

I've come to realize that as an adult, you need to have a certain level of control over your emotions. There are appropriate moments for grief and sorrow and other moments when you have to push your feelings aside to do what needs to be done. Either way, I've learned that I have this level of control over my emotions that come in handy.