Failure is something that everyone tends to dread. No one likes getting back an assignment and seeing they failed it. No one likes being told that they have to "try again." Imagine living with this type of rationalization every day of your life. I personally live with the fear of failure, and I wanted to share my story to hopefully help shed some light on the topic.

"What if I don't pass my exams?" "What if she doesn't like me?" "What if I am not going the right path in life?" Normally people can think of these things then come up with more positive solutions like: "there are always other exams," "then she is missing out," or even, "I will eventually find it." For me, answers to these questions could be like the following: "Then I am not going to pass the class," "maybe there is something wrong with me," or "I don't know what I am going to do if this one isn't the right one." These thoughts haunt me every day, and no matter how hard I try to be positive it always resorts back to the negative.

I also have issues with fearing things that have not even happened yet. It could be something as small as calling the doctor to make an appointment, to something as large as my future and my career. If I see someone succeeding and I am not I fear that I am not going to be as good as them in the end. I know that this can be irrational, but as soon as I hear someone say they did better than me on something I get anxious. It makes me feel as if there is something I am not doing right, and that I am not good enough to be where I am. As for the phone call situation, I have always had a fear of this. I feel as if I am going to mess up speaking, and that they are secretly judging me on the other side of the phone. Some people hate talking in front of others, but I actually prefer talking face to face than over the phone. It makes me feel more comfortable being able to see the other person's face and body language.

I haven't lived with this fear all of my life. When I was in middle school, I did not try on anfything; I was failing quite a few of my classes and it took my parents taking things like my computer privileges away to be able to get me to care. I still didn't think much of it when I got it back after getting my grades up and then for them to drop again only to lose my stuff again. I really think it started my Sophomore into my Junior year of high school when they really began pushing college onto us. I knew that I wanted to go on with my education, but I had no clue where to go or what to study. I feel as though college was pushed onto me a little too hard, so I was scared that no college would accept me because of how shitty I was doing before. When I learned that they really only looked at my Junior and Senior years I really put it into gear. I would make sure to keep my grades up, but the punishments I faced when I was younger came back to haunt me. If I failed a test or some other assignment, I would be scared to tell them about it. I was horrified I would lose my electronics even though I was doing what they asked of me. Even in college, I am still like this. I am fairly certain what my parents did when I was younger was the cause of my anxiety of failure.

Today, I am still working on trying to get better with coping. I am going to therapy to talk to a professional about what to do, and I am studying harder to make sure I am truly trying my best when it comes to academics. I am even getting over my fear of talking on the phone thanks to where I work. I know it is not the easiest thing in the world to live with this fear, but, darling, once you overcome it, you can conquer anything!