I Really Hope God Is Real

I stare at the keyboard while I write this so I don't actually have to look at the words.

I really want with all of my heart to believe that God is up there with my Granny and Papa, with the two girls who hold a piece of my #CumberlandStrong heart, with the boys who ran their cars off roads at 2 a.m., with the ones who couldn't make it another day living this life, and with everyone in between. I really hope that they sing hymns every day like Granny used to tell me they did. Most of all though, I just hope that God tells them I said hello every night when I remember to say my prayers.

I want to believe that God knows I am trying so hard to believe. It is so hard some days to just know. I want to think about all the happy days with those who are gone instead of the days they left. Most of all though, I just want to think about them every second so they never feel forgotten.

A part of me knows that I will never know 100% for sure, even after all the testimonials I've heard and all the stories I have been told. A part of me knows that God is out there, watching me type this, watching over me every second of every day, but a part of me doesn't. A part of me hasn't forgiven him for taking those I love away from me, but I know I should just move on. I know it's the circle of life.

What does that mean though? "The Circle of Life"- some people only get half of a circle, or a quarter, or a sliver. It's not fair and I can't wrap my head around why some people get more time than others. I can't wrap my head around the fact that I could die tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after and leave my parents all alone. I hope I don't, but I could. I can't wrap my head around the thought that one day my parents won't be here anymore because what on earth would I do without them? Move on.

What is moving on? Moving on indicates that time doesn't stop, but it does. For a split second when you know for sure that they aren't coming back, the world ends and collapses and stops altogether. For anyone who has lost someone close to them, they have felt this dead inside their soul. The world just…stops… Then you're screaming, full blast, and it feels like time is hurdling a thousand times a minute, faster than you can catch your breathe.

So really, I just hope that God comforts the ones who have lost someone today. I really hope that God wraps his arms around the ones who lost their sister today, or their best friend, or their daughter. I just hope that God is real, that he has all the strength in the world to comfort me on the bad days and love me even harder on the good ones.