Trust is one of the pillars of strong relationships and marriages. Unfortunately, it is also an easy thing to lose and a hard thing to win back.
Forgetting and forgiving can be difficult, but breaking up a relationship or divorce is not always the right option. If a couple wants to maintain their marriage, they need to figure out how to fix their broken relationship after lying.
Before we get down to the essential steps to help you rebuild trust in a marriage after lying, it is paramount to understand the motives behind lying.
Why Do We Lie in Marriage?
Exaggeration, understatement, and outright lies are typical in almost any relationship. We lie for various reasons. Some people want to look better than they are; others try to cover their mistakes. A relatively harmless type of lie is when a person hides genuine opinions to spare other people's feelings.
Compulsive lying
Some people are pathological liars. John Gottman believes that they always lie because this behavior helped them avoid hardships when they were children. "Chronic lying is a pattern established in childhood if parents are punitive, cold, authoritarian, or dismissive of emotions," Gottman writes. In adulthood, such people retain their nasty habits, which have become fundamental to their character.
Manipulation
Another big reason for lying in a marriage is the desire to manipulate the other spouse. Manipulation helps to change the behavior or perception of another person. Most often, such methods are used by women due to their developed empathy. They know how to find the right words to push the right buttons.
Men use manipulation in their relationships less often. The main reason is that they are not as calculating as women, who can immediately recognize the manipulation in most cases.
Ways to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship
A true love partnership cannot exist without trust. Deceit, infidelity, and disloyalty are the surest ways to destroy a marriage. Men and women both lie frighteningly often. You could find a lot of discussions on the web starting with questions like: "If I lied to him, how do I fix it?" or "How can I regain my wife's trust after lying?"
While there's no one-size-fits-all solution to save a relationship after lying, both guilty and betrayed parties can use the following steps to start rebuilding their trust in each other.
If you're the guilty party:
Admit you lied
Truth is one of those things that cannot stay hidden for a long time. So if you lied to your spouse, admit it as soon as you can. Otherwise, they will learn the truth from other sources, and you will have fewer chances to fix the damage you've inflicted on your relationship.
"It's not an easy task to save a marriage when trust is gone," says Natalie Maximets, a relationship expert, life transformation coach, and contributing writer at OnlineDivorce.com. "But if you decide to confess everything, do not expect instant forgiveness. You will have to endure dissatisfaction and criticism for some time."
Most likely, your spouse won't take your confession lightly. Spend some time to find the right words and predict your partner's reaction. Also, don't try to come up with an excuse for your behavior. It's time to take full responsibility for your actions.
Be truthful about the reasons
As we've already mentioned, there are multiple reasons for lying. However, depending on the circumstances that made you hide the truth, you could gain trust back in a relationship after lying. Once you've decided to explain your motives to your spouse, be completely honest, no matter how painful it could be.
Don't hide details. Tell the whole story as it is. If you try to use general phrases, your partner will figure it out right away. And when the omitted truth comes out, your spouse will have to relive the unpleasant incident all over again.
Apologize for your betrayal
One of the steps to repair a relationship after lying is to apologize. However, don't wait too long to say the words, and don't assume that your spouse will figure out you're sorry without a proper apology. There's no way to rebuild trust after broken promises if you don't show your spouse that you genuinely regret what you did.
"If the betraying party is truly remorseful, the betrayed partner will arrive through enormous pain and forgiveness; otherwise the marriage will not survive," writes Marie M. Burnett, Ph.D., in her book 'Sex, Secrets, and Lies: The Marriage Vows Revisited.' Everything is vital for an effective apology – eye contact, intonation, body language. Wrong non-verbal signals could make your speech sound sarcastic or defensive, while you need the opposite effect.
Remember that when you apologize, you give the other person a chance to think about the situation. So don't despair if you don't get immediate forgiveness. Your main goal is to show your spouse that you understand the pain you have caused them.
Practice open communication
Some couples with trust issues experience miscommunication that might worsen the existing situation and even lead to divorce. After one spouse lies to the other, building an effective pattern of communication becomes paramount.
Total trust is possible only if there is mutual understanding and sincerity. Don't be afraid to reveal the secrets of your heart so that your partner will understand you better in the future. For your part, keep your spouse's secrets from strangers, friends, and family.
Also, don't let your spouse be the last to know important things. Ask for advice and discuss your decisions with your partner before all other people. Let them feel that you value their opinion and rely on their sound judgment.
Stick to your promises
Breaking your promises not to lie anymore won't help restore trust in a relationship. Even the slightest attempt to hide the truth in the future can be the last straw for your partner. On the contrary, you can earn trust back after lying if you make transparency an integral part of your marriage.
For example, if you plan to go to a bar with friends after work, tell your spouse about it rather than making excuses. There is a chance your husband or wife will take your decision calmly and won't make a fuss about it.
Try couple counseling
Couples therapy will have a positive effect on your relationship if you attend it in good faith. Both spouses need it equally. In a therapeutic environment, your spouse would overcome trust issues after being lied to faster, and you would have a chance to express your feelings more freely than you would on your own.
And remember to establish boundaries in what you tell others about what's going on in your relationship. It's one thing to talk to a therapist. But quite another to let your entire social circle know about your marriage issues. You won't regain your partner's trust by discussing details of your situation with everyone willing to listen.
If you're the betrayed party:
Don't judge too harshly
Everyone makes mistakes. Don't cultivate guilt in your spouse for too long, no matter how much you want it. Learning to trust him or her again after lying might seem complicated at first, but you shouldn't give up. If you cherish your marriage, you should give your spouse a chance for atonement.
Listen to the excuses attentively
Allow your spouse to speak out and explain their behavior and reasons. This way, you can find out the true motives of their lies and determine whether you should trust your partner again after lying. If you want to avoid divorce and repair marriage, you should learn to really listen to one another. Without mutual efforts, your relationship won't stand a chance.
Concentrate on forgiveness
It's impossible to restore the trust if the betrayed spouse takes the prosecutor's role and doesn't even try to forgive the other. If your husband or wife wants to fix the situation, you should not constantly remind them of their mistake. But make it clear that you can't regain trust after being lied to in a couple of days. You need time to sort out everything that happened and learn to trust your partner again.
Conclusion
After one spouse lied to the other, relationships can either end in a breakup or go through a stage of rehabilitation. If you are sure that your partner sincerely regrets what they did and will not repeat their mistakes, do your best to preserve your marriage. But if you are dealing with a compulsive liar who is unlikely to change, ask yourself whether such a relationship is worth saving at all.
