College is so much fun and so much work. Hard work. Sometimes, there are certain things you just have to do in life to be successful. Here are some helpful hints that will help make college life easier and more fun (please note sarcasm; all of these are not tested for success):
1. Boycott papers and tests. They don't define who you are as a person.
2. Show up late to class. Assert your authority.
3. Bring greasy fast food to class and stink up the whole classroom.
4. Watch at least five hours of Netflix per day.
5. Vote for Donald Trump.
6. If you don't want to go to class then don't. You are an adult now and deserve your PTO (personal time off for those of you who aren't familiar).
7. Don't do homework. Homework is for losers and nerds.
Ew! Homework! Ew!
8. Take lots of naps but don't sleep at night. Actually sleeping at night is for the weak.
9. Don't do your laundry and take it or ship it home to your parents for them to do. Your spouse will do it when you get married so there really is no point in learning.
10. Number 9 also applies for dishes.
11. Strive for higher likes on Instagram rather than higher grades.
12. Violate parking regulations if you want to.
13. When campus safety gives you a ticket for number 12, throw it away and act like you never saw it. "Oh I guess it must have gotten lost in the rain/hail/sleet/snow/tornado/comet" Really any of those will work.
14. Forward those annoying chain emails to your professors.
15. If your professor is always late to class, show up early one day and write "___________ class canceled today" so that your classmates will leave and you will be the only one there; you will look like the best student.
16. Eat lots of ice cream. Cookies and cake are a good substitute if ice cream is not available.
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