Imagine. Your city is overrun with an infectious virus that turns innocent citizens into the ravenous, rotting living-dead. You played the video game, you watched the TV series. Now, your life and the lives of those around you are in danger. Now, you must spring into action. In order to help you survive a possible zombie apocalypse, here are some steps to be a successful survivor.
Step 1: Get a Cool Outfit.
What did you think I was going to say? Find shelter or something? Let's be real. No one wants to come out of a zombie apocalypse wearing your everyday clothing. I'm talking weapon holsters, leather jackets, combat boots, torn up flannel and maybe a cool hat. The hat does have to be cool, though. No fedoras or straw hats please. If you're feeling really dangerous, you can incorporate the bones of your fallen enemies into your wardrobe selection.
Step 2: Find a Safe Hideout.
Once you are successfully decked out in survival-worthy gear, you are now ready to get down to business. First things first, get off the streets. The outside isn't safe. Try a gymnasium, or a mall food court or a department store basement. Your hideout needs to be close enough to civilization to gather future resources, yet hidden enough to avoid attention from zombies. You may have fellow humans bunking with you, just make sure you trust them enough to stay with you.
Step 3: Develop an Intriguing Back Story.
If you have seen any movie ever, you know that the character with the most intricate back story is more likely to live longer. So, just in case you might be living in a zombie movie, make sure you tell everyone interesting facts about you. For example, you were a scientist researching the disease, and you were fired while on the verge of finding a cure. Or, you were a bullied orphan who became a U.S. Army marshal. Whatever you come up with, be sure to humbly explain all the skills and talents you have to the group.
Step 4: Defend Yourself.
Wait a second. Before you go running out those doors to beat up a drooling corpse, set up some safety precautions. All entrances and exits to your safe house must be attack-proof. That may mean boarding up doors or stacking furniture up. Also, you must protect yourself from these monsters when you're up close. Effective weapons may include baseball bats, guns, planks, lead pipes or cutlery. From what I know of zombies (which is very little), they are easily defeated by decapitation or excessive shooting. It also helps that most zombies move slowly and cannot make imperative judgments.
Step 5: Find Long-Term Resources.
Well, you ran out of Top Ramen and Red Bull. Time to find some real food. You and your team scout out a fresh drinking source and packaged food, but not before running into a group of zombies as hungry as you. Luckily, you defeated them by singing "Let it Go" 10 times in a row. Now you must gather the resources and leave quickly.
Step 6: Be rescued by the U.S. Armed forces, and find the cure just in time to save the world.
A tropical island has been made into a sanctuary for the remaining survivors. The military has sent a chopper into your town to carry anyone out of harms way. To be saved, you must light off a flare on the top of a building and wait to be picked up. The zombies moan below you, but you make it to the helicopter unscathed. Months later, you discover the cure which can return zombies into humans. Once the cure is distributed, it will be safe to once again resume normal life.
So, that, my friends, is how you not only survive a zombie apocalypse, but become the hero of one as well. I hope this will come in handy, lest zombies do attack. But until then, enjoy your peaceful life.
