Every so often, along comes a pop culture phenomenon that so thoroughly captures the collective attention and imagination of the world. The best example of this is probably Star Wars, especially as the eighth movie will be premiering in December.
As a major fan of the series in its various incarnations (books, tv shows, movies, and more!), I've come to the realization that George Lucas' creation is slowly ruining my life. My evidence?
1. It brings back my childhood asthma.
When you’re nearly hyperventilating after the trailers, let alone after the cast, there’s a good chance you’ll be reminded of your asthmatic little nerd self after fourth-grade gym class.
2. I know for a fact that I'd have a heart attack if I met any of the cast in any way, shape or form.
To be fair, anyone would after meeting the likes of Mark Hamill, Oscar Isaac, Daisy Ridley, Harrison Ford, John Boyega, Adam Driver…the list goes on, but you get my point. Anyone of these people could probably induce at the very least a fainting fit from me; at most, my death.
3. I lose my voice screaming every time a new trailer comes out.
I’m basically prepared to carry around a sign saying “Sorry—no voice. I just saw Star Wars,” when The Last Jedi comes out this December.
4. I get emotionally and mentally burned out looking for evidence and hints about the upcoming movies from 45-second trailers, let alone from The Force Awakens and the preceding two trilogies.
No lie, I usually need to lay down after I talk film theory with my fellow nerds.5. I go through light withdrawal when I haven't talked about SW or consumed any related content.
There’s a reason why my family doesn’t bother me about my various bits of Star Wars merchandise, and it’s because it keeps me sane.
6. My ovaries hurt when I look at the pretty and talented cast, and it's ruining my life.
This doesn’t really need an explanation, but for the sake of clarification: everyone is so pretty, and it makes me want to date each and every one of them. Don’t judge me.
7. I'm sabotaging my romantic relationships and mental health because I want a boyfriend like Han Solo or Kylo Ren.
Yes, I know Kylo killed his dad, but I too have a difficult relationship with my father, so I feel that I can relate, so it's a plus. (On a serious note, I don’t condone Han dying, but Adam Driver is really pretty, so he can literally get away with murder in Star Wars.)
8. I can feel my blood pressure ramp up whenever someone talks trash about Star Wars
Look, I usually want to fight George Lucas in a parking lot on a good day over a variety of things (such as Padme Amidala’s character arc and the inclusion of Jar Jar Binks), BUT YOU LEAVE HIS PRECIOUS CREATION ALONE.
9. My wallet cries every time I buy another piece of merchandise, but I also don't care.
10. Star Wars is so deeply ingrained into our society’s understanding of pop culture that I’m basically contractually obligated to share all the wonderful plotlines and characters, in every movie, book, tv show and extra content.
To everyone who has ever worked on Star Wars—cast, crew, writers, directors, costume designers, keepers of the canon—thank you so much for ruining my life. See you in December.
