January 6, 2018

Abigail just asked me to take her mother to Costco to go get her groceries for the month. There are two things wrong about that request. First of all, today is a Saturday. There is no way in hell I am going to try to go to Costco on a Saturday. Second of all, I hate her mother.

It's not like Abigail doesn't know that, though. If anything, it's the reason why she keeps forcing me to spend "quality time" with the monster (or should I say momster, haha).

Now you may be thinking, "why do you hate her mother so much, Eli? What did she ever do to you?" Well, like most in-laws, Eleanor (that's her name) takes on the persona of an overbearing seagull that won't shut the fuck up. Whenever she comes over, she never fails to ask me why it looks like I've gained weight, why my hedges are so unruly, why it's always so cold in my house, why my clothes look like they were purchased off of the clearance rack at Target, etc. First of all, Eleanor, what's wrong with clothes from Target, huh? They serve their purpose. Second of all… what was I going to say? Oh yeah, fuck you.

And if those questions were annoying enough, she always makes it a point to tell me how wrong I am for Abigail.

"You're never home! Think of how lonely she is!"

"You're so boring! You don't do anything but stay home! You need to be more supportive of Abigail and her interests!"

"You're so unaffectionate! You never do anything nice for Abigail! I knew I should have set her up with my friend's son! He's an accountant! Why can't you be an accountant?"

Sometimes I think about talking to Abigail about this. Sometimes I think about asking her whether or not she feels this way. But I never do. Partially because I'm not so good at expressing my feelings. Partially because a part of me knows that her mother is right.

Anyways, normally I would have thrown a hissy fit (can grown men throw hissy fits?), but Dr. Coleman says we have to try "communicating" with each other more. She gave us some generic starters to try out like, "I don't like it when..." or "It makes me feel _______ when..." Apparently, it's supposed to help us express ourselves so that none of our negative emotions are left to simmer or something.

Abigail started our first attempt at this new mature way of solving our disagreements by telling me that she doesn't like it when I don't want to spend time with her mother. I told her that it makes me feel sad when she doesn't respect my wishes to not spend time with her mother.

"I feel that it's important for you two to get along."

"I feel that it's impossible for us to get along."

"I feel like you're not making a big enough effort to get to know her."

"I feel like she's just too annoying."

"It makes me feel upset when you say that she's annoying."

"It makes me feel upset that she's so annoying."

Guess who didn't have to go to Costco that day?

— Eli