High School, to me, served as nothing more than a rude awakening of the radiant harshness that encapsulates the real world. Every passing day seemed to start with an expectation that morphed into disappointment by dusk. The education aspect of school was always overshadowed by the social ladder. I was never anywhere near the top of it, so why should I have cared so much? I cared because one's social status was evidently all someone was within the walls. I often wonder how different my rank may have been if I just decided to play a sport, be a cheerleader, or even just be a person with decent social skills. The question of appearance also arises; maybe if I looked differently, people would have liked me more.
It's funny; I often feel like my mind is not conscious of what others think, but my physical being is. That might not even make sense. The thoughts in my head and the way I present myself are two very different things. I am extremely defensive in letting people see into who I really am, out of fear that they will think I'm different. Again; in my mind, I feel as though I want people to think I'm different, but when the opportunity for them to label me comes up, I crawl back into my shell.
With three years of high school in my pocket and one in front of me, I feel confident that maybe this will be the year that I will let my walls down. I have a group of friends, but I can't shake the annoyance I feel when I think about how others outside of that group perceive me. It bothers me that it bothers me. I have a strong yearning to be a writer, and with that comes not being concerned in the least of what others may say of me or my work.
In the end, it seems as though the social ladder of high school is one that I have failed to climb. Whether it be that I didn't possess the right tools to make my way up, or that I just saw there was nothing to be won at the top. Either way, I can sleep at night knowing that there will be far more ladders in life to climb, perhaps ones with actual rewards at the peak.
So thank you, High School, for the realization.
