To the one who broke my heart,
'Cause when you're 15 and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them. Although Taylor Swift sang this about being 15, it held true for me at 18. I could not help but believe that you would never lie to me and when you said forever, you actually meant it.
Now at the age of 20, I have finally learned that you should never believe someone who tells you they love you. I have you to thank for that.
It was always so easy for me to be trusting and have big dreams for the future. I always thought that we would have it all. Now I know I was a little too optimistic about the future.
I believed all of your promises and you broke every single one of them. I thought you would never hurt me, but you hurt me more than any person has ever hurt me before.
You broke my heart in a Facetime call. That was another promise you broke. I always thought if it had to end, you would tell me in person. It hurts the most that you did not care enough to end our two-year relationship in person. Instead, you hung up the phone and left me on my own. It hurts that the last time I saw you, I still thought we would be together forever. It hurts knowing I will probably never see you again.
It hurts that you were not there for me when I needed you the most. You were the first person I would reach out to when I felt like the world was ending. Now, my world was ending, and you were nowhere to be found. You were 200 miles away and you would not even answer my texts. I stopped eating and sleeping. I stopped smiling and laughing. I never thought you would do this to me.
When you talk to someone every day for two years, every day that goes by without talking breaks you a little more. I know you might have had days to prepare for this abrupt change. But, you broke the news to me over the phone where you could easily hang up. You may not have had to deal with the pain, but I did.
And, I have tried to be angry at you, but the truth is I still care about you more than anyone else. I could never be angry at you no matter how hard I try.
The worst part was blaming myself. Still, to this day, I wonder what in the world is wrong with me. Where did I mess up? What did I do wrong?
I tried to come up with answers. Maybe I did not appreciate you enough. I wish I would have told you how much you mean to me more often. Or maybe I asked for too much. I blame myself for every argument we ever got in. I did not mean to drive you away. I know you thought I relied too much on you. It hurt to be away from you and I truly struggled when I could not be with you for months at a time while I was at college. But I would gladly endure anything to be with you again. I would be different.
I spent the last couple months trying to change myself to be the kind of person you would want to be with. But, the truth is, I have no idea what you wanted from me. I gave you everything and you threw it back in my face the day you broke up with me. And now I have to live the rest of my life knowing I will never be good enough.
It hurts to write this letter, but I wanted you to know what has been going through my head since the day you said goodbye. I wanted you to know that you hurt me when I trusted you to be the only one in this world who would not hurt me.
I wanted you to know that I can live without you, even though I never thought I could. Maybe you left me because you wanted to see if it was possible for me to live with you because I was too dependent on you while we were together. It is possible. But, it definitely is not easy.
I know it looks like I am happy from my Facebook posts. I do have my happy moments. But, my Facebook posts are just the highlight reel of my life. Every happy moment is paired with a dozen more moments spent alone wondering where I went wrong.
People tell me I will find someone else. Deep down, I know they are right. But no one else will ever be you. As much as people tell me that will change, I do not believe it ever will. I lost my one chance at happiness. And for that, I am sorry.
Thanks for giving me the chance to let you know – even if you never read this. It helps.