I remember the day oh so well that I would be bringing a new life into the world. I remember the roller coaster of emotions I was feeling. " Is this real life?" the dread I felt when I thought about telling my family. I remember praying to God that I wasn't pregnant. But I thought "that's what I get for trespassing into the devil's territory. my thoughts bounced from denial to acceptance and back again. " I can't be a mom". After throwing myself a small pity party.
I said I have to do what's best for my child. I'm 25... I'm not 16. I'm an adult! Unwed but I'm adult! I tried to convince myself everything would be okay.
I submerged myself deep into imagining life as a single mother. I quickly turned from a sad depressive state and embraced the life I was carrying. I looked up names and downloaded so many apps. I even had my best friend helping me think of names. At this point I was excited. Little did I know this excitement would be short-lived.
I began to feel sharp pains thinking and researching is this normal, with all the thinking I've been doing the past few days my mind never ran across a mother and parents worst fear: the those of a child. let alone an unborn one. The thought frightened me. it made my stomach weak to imagine it. What I feared to imagine and started to become my truth.
I remember asking a question on a forum about saying I don't want to lose my baby and how was what I was experiencing normal. To me, a heartless yet anonymous person wrote. " You can't prevent a miscarriage if it going to happen you can't stop it" with those words all the breath left my body. The brutal yet honest truth left my heart thumping. I had to accept that if this is what is happening then I can't stop it.
The next day I went to the emergency room, with the same lips I prayed not to be pregnant I prayed to keep my baby. As each minute went by more and more tears ran down my face. I knew what was happening, I was just waiting for it to be confirmed.
May 15, I lost my baby boy or girl while I was five weeks pregnant, at this stage, some people haven't even figured it. I knew before the doctor could tell me. I felt the cold over me and I grew numb. "Is this real life? The experience I had may have been short-lived but I knew I would have been the best mother to my child.
Afterward, I felt so numb, I wanted to cry, I wanted to be angry, I wanted to scream but I had to keep this secret tucked away. I longed so badly to tell my family. I could only think of the shame I caused my family.
Every day I have been haunted with the guilt of not opening up to my family when I first found out, I was afraid to grieve because I suffered an early loss, I thought my baby didn't count. I thought my loss didn't matter. I felt I didn't deserve to grief. with this ideology, I tortured myself. When I wanted to cry, I told myself you don't deserve to cry. When I wanted to speak up, I told myself everyone is gonna laugh because my baby didn't live to have a gender.
I was tormented by so many negatives though I thought I would implode with emotions. It became too much. I blamed myself, I lost faith, and I was tricked into thinking my feelings didn't matter. That's when I started going to counseling. I knew I had to talk about it and talking to my friends wasn't enough. Each day I chiseled away all the hurt and became more open to my family and myself. I realized I deserved to grieve as any other mother would grieve. I deserved to long for my child. I finally deserved to be at peace.
Even though I think I will never stop longing for my child, I know there is hope that I will be at peace and will see my first born again in another life. There are women all over the world experiencing this same pain.
They shouldn't have to be silent about their experience for the fear of judgment. Instead, they should be supported and admired for their strength. Now that I've opened up I'll never back down again. I'll be the voice for my baby and I'll be the voice for someone who also is suffering in silence.