Something I don't talk about a lot is my depression. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression when I was about 12 years old. Looking back, I missed a lot of fun in my childhood because of it. Depression usually carries a lot of baggage too and I experienced it all - self-harm, therapy, medication, and hospitalization. There's no rhyme or reason I have it. Doctors say it's just a chemical imbalance.
As of right now, I'm not going to therapy and I haven't been on medication for almost a year. I decided it was time to conquer this battle on my own. Recently, there's been a roadblock prohibiting me to conquer it though. It's called a change in seasons, in particular, the cold seasons.
Fall and Winter have always been rough for me. It's cold, dark, and for me, miserable. Don't get me wrong, I love Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I love fall fashion too. But, these seasons have always sprinkled darkness upon me. I don't know when it started but I know it started really young. Growing up, I had many family members and family friends pass away in the colder months. Also, I diagnosed with depression and anxiety and hospitalized in the fall of 7th grade. So many sad things kept happening as soon as it got colder.
Every time it gets cold, I am constantly on edge just waiting for something to happen. Everything in my everyday life becomes harder. I can't sleep and when I do, I don't want to wake up. Then I wake up in the morning with constant anxiety even if I have nothing scary going on that day. I go to class feeling like a zombie; unable to pay attention or participate. I lack the ability to be social. Even going outside in the cold is a huge struggle. Not to mention that horrible cold brisk air that slaps my face when I walk my dog.
Dealing with depression in the hotter months is a lot different. It's just easier, at least for me. The nice warm sun makes me happy and I love seeing nature come back to life. The hotter months make me a completely different person. I am happy to the point where nothing can bring me down.
Although this coldness has brought me some sadness already, I am determined to beat it for another time this year. This year it will be beat without therapy or medication which is something I haven't experienced since before middle school. So, wish me luck as I conquer this cold battle once again.
