Sometimes, in this life of mine, I feel like there is more rain than sunshine. It drizzles. It pours. And despite trying to ignore the incessant sound of rain on my window and remember the warmth of sunshine on my skin, some days, despite how hard I try, I still cannot feel okay.
For a long time, I fought the feeling. I refused to believe I could be anything but okay. If I wasn't okay, I wasn't the best version of myself. I lied to myself and refused to allow myself to be anything but okay. I told myself "I was healing" while ignoring my aching heart. I would make myself believe that to feel better I had to keep pushing…keep pushing until I forgot the pain even existed.
Isn't pushing forward, how I grow?
Doesn't this ability to push away the pain and ignore it make me stronger and better than most?
Being in pain, and feeling the pain doesn't mean that you can't be okay. Pain is at times simply crushing. It can be overbearing, and it can suffocate even the strongest glimmer of hope or light in people. It is so uncomfortable that we as humans cannot fathom allowing pain to run its course. Rather, we hide, mask, and bury the pain with other things. Some people turn to chemicals, some people turn to the things around them, and some people simply work until the exhaustion drowns out the pain. We refuse to let the pain take its course, and as a result we never heal. We never heal, so therefore we never take the chance to learn and grow as a human being.
So repeat after me:
It is okay to not be okay.
You don't have to a brilliant ray of sunshine every morning.
Brilliance isn't always bright.
You do not have to bea rock for everyone around you.
You deserve time to lean on others too.
You do not have to brave all of the time.
It is okay to be afraid. The bravest among us sometimes are so brave because they acknowledge how afraid they are.
Frankly, it's even more brave to know and understand your demons.
It's more brave to own your demons. Let them in - embrace the vulnerability. True heroes wake up everyday and fight their demons no matter how evil, strong, or debilitating.
Not being okay doesn't make you a weaker person; it doesn't make you sad or worthless. Your internal ability to recognize that you are sad, angry, or miserable isn't a curse, and in fact your self-awareness is how you will develop the healthy coping mechanisms to life a full life - the happiness, the sadness, the good and bad. It also allows you to be the real person you are.
A positive person is not defined by laughing all day, by being carefree, and carrying a light load on their shoulders. Some of the most positive people in existence carry the pain, scars, demons, and memories that should crush them. They have seen loss, death, despair, and bad days that dwarf the definition of bad. They are positive because they have felt their emotions, and they recognize them. They do not hide from the pain, rather they feel the pain, persevere, and keep moving forward.
Being positive is never giving up. When you don't give up, you grow.
Despite the pain, despite not being okay at times, a life is waiting to be lived. None of the darkness should be given the chance to define you. You define yourself through the choices that you make.