Discussing self-confidence can get repetitive.
Unfortunately, we don't live in a world that welcomes men and women who are not the accepted definition of "beautiful." I have never fit into that category. As a child, I was always a little bit bigger than the people around me. I had chunky arms, legs and especially cheeks. I was short and had even shorter limbs.
Most people grow out of their chunky stage. I, however, did not.
Throughout my young years, I continuously gained more weight. I was a very active child, played softball from the time I was 4 until I was 14. I played golf all through high school and my first year and a half at college.
When I say that I played golf, I was not just playing a few rounds of golf a week. I was playing an average of 18 holes a day, plus two or three baskets of balls at the driving range. I was constantly working on my golf game and trying to improve myself, physically and mentally.
Nothing seemed to keep my weight down or even remain where it was.
My junior year in high school I was in the gym working out nearly 5 days a week and dropped some weight but not enough to notice. My thighs remained significantly large, my stomach never flat, large arms, and my face rounded and chubby.
The picture above is the smallest I've ever been and it was not under 200lbs.
It is almost as if I just simply weigh more. Now that I am 21, I am the heaviest I have ever been. I am still a very active person. I walk nearly 10,000 steps every single day, I don't even eat meat. I am eating the most balanced diet I have ever had. I drink tons of water and get regular sleep. I have never disliked the way I look more than I do at this moment.
It took me nearly twenty minutes of searching to find this picture.
This picture was taken in July. It is the only full body picture I have of myself from this summer that I am not hiding behind someone or something. To you, it may not look too different than the first picture. But to me, I see every difference.
The weight in my face is hidden behind my phone and the filter is added in order to distract attention from the other side of my face. My hand is in my pocket to push out my pants to make my stomach line less noticeable. I have dark jeans on to aid with that as well. My hair is pulled up higher to draw attention to that instead of my face.
The list that I just provided is full of the things that I go through on a daily basis.
This is also what I go through in my mind every single morning. Getting dressed takes me 30 minutes. I cannot leave the house unless I have confirmed that I have every area that I hate covered. Sometimes I will change outfits three or four times. The outfit in the first picture is my go to. A black shirt that conceals and jeans that hold in tighter.
I will spend almost all of that 30 minutes looking in my full body mirror and inspecting myself. Then, it is time for hair. I cannot wear my hair in a low ponytail at this moment without feeling as though my double chin sticks out too much. If I wear my hair down, I feel as though it frames my face and makes it look bigger than it already is. My hair is always up and it is up high. I will sometimes do it two or three times, just to make sure that it is right.
Throughout my day, I avoid mirrors at all cost.
If I notice myself by chance and see a mirror, I begin picking myself apart. "Wow, I didn't realize I looked like that" or "I hope people don't think that I am too fat today" or "should I have really worn this? Should someone my size be wearing this?"
I have gotten to the point where I will bring a change of clothes, in the form of a black v neck and a pair of jeans in my car in order to provide back up when I am too uncomfortable. I even have a hat in order to take more attention away from my face. I have certain clothes that I will never wear again because of the way I saw myself in a mirror. I rarely take pictures of myself because I hate the way they look.
You see the cover image at the very top? That's me. Not shielding the picture because of being shy. I am shielding myself from having to look at it later.
When nighttime finally comes and I am in the comfort of my own home, you would think that it stops but it surely doesn't. I continue to pull apart the way I look, even in my pajamas. Luckily, my boyfriend is much taller than me and is a bulky man. His shirts are my favorite thing to wear because they go down to my calves and hide everything.
If I shower, there are times when I will just stand in front of the mirror and wonder why my body looks the way it does.
I am embarrassed of my body. I am constantly thinking about what others think of my body.
For those that say "work out, you'll lose weight." Trust me, I have tried.
My junior year I was working out SO much and barely lost any weight. I stay very active now as well. I do everything I can and I cannot seem to lose weight. But honestly, I do not think it is the weight that I don't like. I think it is my body in general. Every day is hard and I continue to push myself towards acceptance.
The people that surround me that love me and support me are what makes the difference. I took a journey towards self-love a few months and was unable to continue. I wanted to take a picture of myself every day and post it somewhere, in order to avoid people's thoughts. It lasted about a week. I push myself to take pictures that I am not fully comfortable with. A picture is easier to face than reality.
If you are someone who has been in similar situations, I hope reading about my journey, whether it's similar to yours or not, has helped.
The best thing to remember is someone loves you for exactly how you are, even if you don't love yourself. I am currently in a place where I don't love myself, but I try harder and harder every single day.
I push myself to wear outfits that I might not usually wear. I follow plus size blogs. I try to find one positive about myself every time I look in a mirror. Some days, it simply doesn't work and you will have those days. But I won't give up. I do not enjoy feeling this way but I know it'll end soon. I have an amazing support group and will continue to focus on more positives day by day.
This is not something that I am anywhere near comfortable writing about. It is something that I struggle with every single day of my life. But I think that it is important to others that I know for a fact are struggling too, to hear my story as well.
To all the amazing people in my life (you know who you are) who continue to support me and build me up, thank you. I would not be where I am if it was not for you. My self-love has grown so much that I cannot imagine what it was like to be in the place I was a few years ago.
You are the only reason that I can write this article. You are the only reason that I can continue to challenge myself. You are the only reason I am me.