I did not believe in the whole idea of investing so much effort and time on someone for romantic reasons and purposes. I thought it was straight up stupid to let yourself become attached. I did not understand the logic behind being vulnerable and taking your walls down.
To be fair, I conditioned myself to be as emotionless as possible. I kept to myself. My reasoning is that people always leave. For me, it seemed like it was almost impossible to keep the same people around for a long time. I watched so many of them come and go that I built a wall to protect myself. I was not about to waste any of my time or let alone someone else take advantage of it just to end up hurting me. And, it's safe to say that I was scared, but I only wanted to be reasonable and practical.
I watched my friends get into relationships every time cuffing season came around. One by one getting snatched off the market, leaving me behind to be that designated single and bitter friend. It's not like I always talked bad about relationships. Thought I'd complain every now and then about not having a love life like the rest of my friends, I was still not a fan of getting serious with a boy. I had too much fun telling others that I had 10 different boyfriends at once.
The funny thing is that I was that friend to go and run to for relationship advice even though I lacked experience and hated the whole idea of being in love.
My friends came to me for help because my decisions wouldn't be as clouded as theirs. But, it was just all common sense to me. There was no use in making situations longer and more complicated. I tend to have a solution even before my friends would be done explaining their whole dilemma to me.
And, that was the problem. I always had a solution. I always had a backup plan. I always knew what to do next. I didn't know how to just live in the moment, which played a huge part in as to why I dealt with commitment issues. I always wanted things to go the way I planned them. I thought relationships were just not for me at all.
After convincing myself for so long that I was definitely not the type to be in a relationship, I realized that was nowhere close to the truth. It was a matter of finding someone who would make you feel at ease. I did, in fact, find that person. I learned to become comfortable and allow myself to be embrace vulnerability.
When you find your person, everything just flows easily. Yes, you're going to run into some issues, but you'll have each other to go through them. It would never just be one against the whole world.
