One of my least favorite times of the year is the pre-holiday grocery shopping.

As much as I've offered to go on my own, my mother (like most others) needs to be present in fear of any miscommunication about the items on the list.

So, the journey begins: get in the car, drive ten feet down the driveway before one of us remembers to run in the house to grab the forgotten return from the last trip. Then, the traffic-filled drive dumps into an over-crowded parking lot filled with people who are not paying attention and would rather crowd the lanes trying to find a close spot than save us all and park a little further.

When we finally make it into the store, we make a semi-plan where we agree to meet up front when finished with our split list. As I take off into the abyss, I can't help but wonder why people have the desire to reproduce, let alone bring all seven of their kids to the store with them.

It really gives a new meaning to 'Nightmare Before Christmas.'

Finishing up my end of the list, I usually stand near the cashiers, pulled over in front of the table with the ugliest possible shirts so I know I probably won't be in any one's way. Waiting on my mom to finish gives me time to get the worst holiday songs stuck in my head.

When the public does everything in their power to take the Christ out of Christmas, it's easy to become a Scrooge. So, I decided to give a retail remix to two of my least favorite classics.


Hark! The Walmart cashiers sing
Glory to front-spot parking
Stock the shelves, the crowd is wild
Customers un-reconciled

Frightful, all ye workers, rise
Join the madness, hear the cries
With unsettling moms proclaim
Their screaming kids from Bethlehem
Hark! The Walmart cashiers sing
Glory to late-night stocking

Christ, the manager is adored
Christ, they act like he's the Lord
Late in time, behold him come
Aisle seven needs clean up

Hail the fresh, the bakery
Hail the boxed Christmas cookies
Uneased as shoppers complain and dwell,
Jesus, is this Earthly Hell?
Hark! The Walmart cashiers sing
Glory to retail shopping!


Santa baby, slip some whiskey under the tree, for me
Been an awful weird year
Santa baby, hurry with the whiskey tonight.

Santa baby, an ice box and a mini fridge too, light blue
I'll wait up for the beer
Santa baby, and hurry with the whiskey tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the glasses that I haven't kissed
Next year I could be semi-good
If you'll check off my Christmas list

Santa honey, I want a shot and really that's not a lot
Been sarcastic all year
Santa baby, hurry with the whiskey tonight

Santa cutie, there's one thing I really do need, the deed
To some grade A moonshine
Santa baby, hurry with the whiskey tonight

Santa baby, fill my stocking with some big checks and Dos Eq's
Sign your 'X' on the line
Santa baby, hurry with the whiskey tonight

Come and make me a daquiri
Add some decorations, like a strawberry
I really do believe in you
Let's see if you come through

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, some Ting
Make it Ting with a Sting
Santa baby, hurry with the whiskey tonight


You get where this is going, yeah?

Have a very happy holiday season... and an even happier after party!