Remixes On Odyssey: Hark! The Walmart Cashiers Sing

Remixes On Odyssey: Hark! The Walmart Cashiers Sing

A Scrooge perspective on holiday classics.
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One of my least favorite times of the year is the pre-holiday grocery shopping.

As much as I've offered to go on my own, my mother (like most others) needs to be present in fear of any miscommunication about the items on the list.

So, the journey begins: get in the car, drive ten feet down the driveway before one of us remembers to run in the house to grab the forgotten return from the last trip. Then, the traffic-filled drive dumps into an over-crowded parking lot filled with people who are not paying attention and would rather crowd the lanes trying to find a close spot than save us all and park a little further.

When we finally make it into the store, we make a semi-plan where we agree to meet up front when finished with our split list. As I take off into the abyss, I can't help but wonder why people have the desire to reproduce, let alone bring all seven of their kids to the store with them.

It really gives a new meaning to 'Nightmare Before Christmas.'

Finishing up my end of the list, I usually stand near the cashiers, pulled over in front of the table with the ugliest possible shirts so I know I probably won't be in any one's way. Waiting on my mom to finish gives me time to get the worst holiday songs stuck in my head.

When the public does everything in their power to take the Christ out of Christmas, it's easy to become a Scrooge. So, I decided to give a retail remix to two of my least favorite classics.


Hark! The Walmart cashiers sing
Glory to front-spot parking
Stock the shelves, the crowd is wild
Customers un-reconciled


Frightful, all ye workers, rise
Join the madness, hear the cries
With unsettling moms proclaim
Their screaming kids from Bethlehem
Hark! The Walmart cashiers sing
Glory to late-night stocking




Christ, the manager is adored
Christ, they act like he's the Lord
Late in time, behold him come
Aisle seven needs clean up


Hail the fresh, the bakery
Hail the boxed Christmas cookies
Uneased as shoppers complain and dwell,
Jesus, is this Earthly Hell?
Hark! The Walmart cashiers sing
Glory to retail shopping!





Santa baby, slip some whiskey under the tree, for me
Been an awful weird year
Santa baby, hurry with the whiskey tonight.


Santa baby, an ice box and a mini fridge too, light blue
I'll wait up for the beer
Santa baby, and hurry with the whiskey tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the glasses that I haven't kissed
Next year I could be semi-good
If you'll check off my Christmas list


Santa honey, I want a shot and really that's not a lot
Been sarcastic all year
Santa baby, hurry with the whiskey tonight

Santa cutie, there's one thing I really do need, the deed
To some grade A moonshine
Santa baby, hurry with the whiskey tonight

Santa baby, fill my stocking with some big checks and Dos Eq's
Sign your 'X' on the line
Santa baby, hurry with the whiskey tonight

Come and make me a daquiri
Add some decorations, like a strawberry
I really do believe in you
Let's see if you come through






Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, some Ting
Make it Ting with a Sting
Santa baby, hurry with the whiskey tonight


You get where this is going, yeah?

Have a very happy holiday season... and an even happier after party!


Cover Image Credit: Wikipedia Commons

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15 Things Only Lake People Will Understand

There's no other place you'd rather be in the summer.
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The people that spend their summers at the lake are a unique group of people. Whether you grew up going to the lake, have only recently started going, or have only been once or twice, you know it takes a certain kind of person to be a lake person. To the long-time lake people, the lake holds a special place in your heart, no matter how dirty the water may look. Every year when summer rolls back around, you can't wait to fire up the boat and get back out there. Here is a list of things you can probably identify with as a fellow lake-goer.

1. A bad day at the lake is still better than a good day not at the lake.

It's your place of escape, where you can leave everything else behind and just enjoy the beautiful summer day. No matter what kind of week you had, being able to come and relax without having to worry about anything else is the best therapy there is. After all, there's nothing better than a day of hanging out in the hot sun, telling old funny stories and listening to your favorite music.

2. You know the best beaches and coves to go to.

Whether you want to just hang out and float or go walk around on a beach, you know the best spots. These often have to be based on the people you're with, given that some "party coves" can get a little too crazy for little kids on board. I still have vivid memories from when I was six that scared me when I saw the things drunk girls would do for beads.

3. You have no patience for the guy who can’t back his trailer into the water right.

When there's a long line of trucks waiting to dump their boats in the water, there's always that one clueless guy who can't get it right, and takes 5 attempts and holds up the line. No one likes that guy. One time my dad got so fed up with a guy who was taking too long that he actually got out of the car and asked this guy if he could just do it for him. So he got into the guy's car, threw it in reverse, and got it backed in on the first try. True story.

4. Doing the friendly wave to every boat you pass.

Similar to the "jeep wave," almost everyone waves to other boats passing by. It's just what you do, and is seen as a normal thing by everyone.

5. The cooler is always packed, mostly with beer.

Alcohol seems to be a big part of the lake experience, but other drinks are squeezed into the room remaining in the cooler for the kids, not to mention the wide assortment of chips and other foods in the snack bag.

6. Giving the idiot who goes 30 in a "No Wake

Zone" a piece of your mind.

There's nothing worse than floating in the water, all settled in and minding your business, when some idiot barrels through. Now your anchor is loose, and you're left jostled by the waves when it was nice and perfectly still before. This annoyance is typically answered by someone yelling some choice words to them that are probably accompanied by a middle finger in the air.

7. You have no problem with peeing in the water.

It's the lake, and some social expectations are a little different here, if not lowered quite a bit. When you have to go, you just go, and it's no big deal to anyone because they do it too.

8. You know the frustration of getting your anchor stuck.

The number of anchors you go through as a boat owner is likely a number that can be counted on two hands. Every once in a while, it gets stuck on something on the bottom of the lake, and the only way to fix the problem is to cut the rope, and you have to replace it.

9. Watching in awe at the bigger, better boats that pass by.

If you're the typical lake-goer, you likely might have an average sized boat that you're perfectly happy with. However, that doesn't mean you don't stop and stare at the fast boats that loudly speed by, or at the obnoxiously huge yachts that pass.

10. Knowing any swimsuit that you own with white in it is best left for the pool or the ocean.

You've learned this the hard way, coming back from a day in the water and seeing the flowers on your bathing suit that were once white, are now a nice brownish hue.

11. The momentary fear for your life as you get launched from the tube.

If the driver knows how to give you a good ride, or just wants to specifically throw you off, you know you're done when you're speeding up and heading straight for a big wave. Suddenly you're airborne, knowing you're about to completely wipe out, and you eat pure wake. Then you get back on and do it all again.

12. You're able to go to the restaurants by the water wearing minimal clothing.

One of the many nice things about the life at the lake is that everybody cares about everything a little less. Rolling up to the place wearing only your swimsuit, a cover-up and flip flops, you fit right in. After a long day when you're sunburned, a little buzzed, and hungry, you're served without any hesitation.

13. Having unexpected problems with your boat.

Every once in a while you're hit with technical difficulties, no matter what type of watercraft you have. This is one of the most annoying setbacks when you're looking forward to just having a carefree day on the water, but it's bound to happen. This is just one of the joys that come along with being a boat owner.

14. Having a name for your boat unique to you and your life.

One of the many interesting things that make up the lake culture is the fact that many people name their boats. They can range from basic to funny, but they are unique to each and every owner, and often have interesting and clever meanings behind them.

15. There's no better place you'd rather be in the summer.

Summer is your all-time favorite season, mostly because it's spent at the lake. Whether you're floating in the cool water under the sun, or taking a boat ride as the sun sets, you don't have a care in the world at that moment. The people that don't understand have probably never experienced it, but it's what keeps you coming back every year.


Cover Image Credit: Haley Harvey

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5 Reasons It's Always Worth It To Be A Summer Camp Counselor

Summer camps have a special place in my heart, and I'm here to share that with you.

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Since I was 15, I have been a counselor at various summer camps. I have been a Program Aide at Girl Scout camp, a counselor at church camp, and a counselor at a day camp. These were all camps that I attended as a kid, so they already had a special place in my heart when I got a chance to work at them.

After being a camp counselor for five years, there are things that I have learned on the job that has helped me in life. Being a counselor has also helped me grow as a person. It's helped me gain skills that I don't think I would have learned in other jobs. I'm here to share what I love about the job of being a camp counselor.

1. You get to be the leader/role model

As a kid, there were many counselors in my life that I looked up to. They were people that I strived to be alike in my life, but now that I'm older, I get to be that person for the kid. What I say and do will influence how the kids around me act. That comes with a lot of stress, but it's also empowering. You can be a positive influence in a kids life, and hopefully, teach them important life lessons.

2. You can be your goofy self

One thing that I love about working with kids is that I can be silly around them. Kids won't judge you for being silly because they're silly right alongside you. They feed off your energy, and it can help them explore the world around them through communication. Plus, when was it not fun to be silly?

3. You get to hang out with kids all day

This reason might turn people off from the job, but it's a part of why I love being a counselor. Hanging out with kids tires me out at times, but they also motivate me to keep going. They're little balls of energy, and I feed off of other people's energies well. The kids also help me feel youthful and like nothing matters. Everything is fun to them; they help me keep a positive outlook on life.

4. Your coworkers become your best friends

Working at a summer camp can be difficult at times. It's emotionally and physically draining as well. But having a good support team helps with that. The counselors that I have worked with in the past have become my best friends, and I still stay in touch with some. They're there for you when no one else is, and they understand what you're going through. You know that their feelings for you are genuine, and they want to help as much as they can.

5. You get to watch the kids grow

Over the summer, I get to see the same kids every week at my camp. I get to see them grow as people over the summer and it's a rewarding experience knowing that I was able to help them. Watching them become leaders and grow into little helpers by the end of the summer is one of my favorite things.

I'm excited to have the opportunity to work at a summer camp again this year. I know that it'll provide an opportunity to grow as a person and I can't wait to see my favorite kids again.

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