Remixes On Odyssey: Hark! The Walmart Cashiers Sing
Lifestyle

Remixes On Odyssey: Hark! The Walmart Cashiers Sing

A Scrooge perspective on holiday classics.

17
Wikipedia Commons

One of my least favorite times of the year is the pre-holiday grocery shopping.

As much as I've offered to go on my own, my mother (like most others) needs to be present in fear of any miscommunication about the items on the list.

So, the journey begins: get in the car, drive ten feet down the driveway before one of us remembers to run in the house to grab the forgotten return from the last trip. Then, the traffic-filled drive dumps into an over-crowded parking lot filled with people who are not paying attention and would rather crowd the lanes trying to find a close spot than save us all and park a little further.

When we finally make it into the store, we make a semi-plan where we agree to meet up front when finished with our split list. As I take off into the abyss, I can't help but wonder why people have the desire to reproduce, let alone bring all seven of their kids to the store with them.

It really gives a new meaning to 'Nightmare Before Christmas.'

Finishing up my end of the list, I usually stand near the cashiers, pulled over in front of the table with the ugliest possible shirts so I know I probably won't be in any one's way. Waiting on my mom to finish gives me time to get the worst holiday songs stuck in my head.

When the public does everything in their power to take the Christ out of Christmas, it's easy to become a Scrooge. So, I decided to give a retail remix to two of my least favorite classics.


Hark! The Walmart cashiers sing
Glory to front-spot parking
Stock the shelves, the crowd is wild
Customers un-reconciled

Frightful, all ye workers, rise
Join the madness, hear the cries
With unsettling moms proclaim
Their screaming kids from Bethlehem
Hark! The Walmart cashiers sing
Glory to late-night stocking

Christ, the manager is adored
Christ, they act like he's the Lord
Late in time, behold him come
Aisle seven needs clean up

Hail the fresh, the bakery
Hail the boxed Christmas cookies
Uneased as shoppers complain and dwell,
Jesus, is this Earthly Hell?
Hark! The Walmart cashiers sing
Glory to retail shopping!


Santa baby, slip some whiskey under the tree, for me
Been an awful weird year
Santa baby, hurry with the whiskey tonight.

Santa baby, an ice box and a mini fridge too, light blue
I'll wait up for the beer
Santa baby, and hurry with the whiskey tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the glasses that I haven't kissed
Next year I could be semi-good
If you'll check off my Christmas list

Santa honey, I want a shot and really that's not a lot
Been sarcastic all year
Santa baby, hurry with the whiskey tonight

Santa cutie, there's one thing I really do need, the deed
To some grade A moonshine
Santa baby, hurry with the whiskey tonight

Santa baby, fill my stocking with some big checks and Dos Eq's
Sign your 'X' on the line
Santa baby, hurry with the whiskey tonight

Come and make me a daquiri
Add some decorations, like a strawberry
I really do believe in you
Let's see if you come through

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, some Ting
Make it Ting with a Sting
Santa baby, hurry with the whiskey tonight


You get where this is going, yeah?

Have a very happy holiday season... and an even happier after party!


Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Swoon

I Started Dating A Guy Before Quarantine, But Now We Rarely Speak Unless I Double-Text

"He's really nice and cute and I like being around him when we see each other, but he's awful at communication."

Each week Swoonie B will give her advice on anonymous topics submitted by readers. Want to Ask Swoonie B something related to dating and relationships? Fill out this form here — it's anonymous.

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

This Is Exactly What You Should Eat Today In Quarantine, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

You've probably been eating it the past three months,

If we added up all the minutes of my life I've stood in front of the fridge or pantry mindlessly glazing over options, it would probably amount to several years longer than I'd care to admit.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

If You Don't Think People Are Legitimately Scared To Stay In Lockdown, Think Again

People are terrified of what could happen if states stay in lockdown too long.

Coronavirus (COVID-19) continues to be the topic of discussion for most U.S. residents. From federal reopening guidelines to individual state timelines, the country is all over the place. This sparks conversations within the news, social media, and in family homes about the consequences of reopening the country incorrectly.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

If You Don't Think People Are Legitimately Scared To Reopen States, You're Not Looking Hard Enough

People are terrified of what could happen if states begin reopening too early.

Coronavirus (COVID-19) continues to be the topic of discussion for most U.S. residents. From federal reopening guidelines to individual state timelines, the country is all over the place. This sparks conversations within the news, social media, and in family homes about the consequences of reopening the country incorrectly.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

Feel A Lil' Better: Because You Need To Stretch It Out

Your weekly wellness boost from Odyssey.

No matter how good (or bad) you'd describe your health, one thing is for sure: a little boost is ALWAYS a good idea. Whether that's reading a new, motivating book, or listening to a song that speaks to your soul, there are plenty of resources to help your health thrive on any given day.

Flexibility is an important part of life. Yes, you need to be able to go with the flow and adjust when needed, but literal, physical flexibility is equally handy. Not only does increased flexibility keep you safe from injury each time you work out, but a good stretch session is incredibly soothing after a long day. Your body goes through a lot! It needs to cool down and get loose after all the activities you put it through.

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

5 Amazing Things That Happened To Me When I Took Just A Week Off From Social Media

I've taken one-week off social media, and here's what I learned.


You’ll think clearer.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments