I was thirteen at the time that I felt myself start unraveling. Thirteen. One - three.
You probably are reading this wondering how someone can "unravel" at such a young age. Trust me, I'll explain.
Two separate houses, two separate lives. For me, every Friday I had to switch into character. New bed, new clothes, and new people. Carrying my bags into my sister's car every Friday was part of my morning routine.
My whole life I felt like I was constantly playing catch up. Forced to be mature quicker than most. Having to achieve things quicker than most. I was still wearing Justice and Limited Too clothes while being called immature. Excuse me, there's a kitty wearing a pink sparkly bow on my shirt, of course, I am still going to be a little "immature."
My friend group when I was young was basically my sister's friend group. They were all 2-4 years older than me. This meant no knock-knock jokes, no "that's what she said" comments, or asking way too many questions. I had to appear I was mature enough to hang out with them. It often didn't work, they would get annoyed with me.
I had my school friends, we would run around on the weekends, get into trouble, and trade stories. The stories ranged from their family get-aways to traditions they had with their family on certain days/nights. I would listen and trust me, I was genuinely happy for them, but I would lie and make up these grand, imaginary things that my family does. We never did them or would ever get to do them.
I wanted to fit in. I knew they would still be my friends even if I never did those things. I just wanted to feel relatable. I wanted to be more than the "Are you at your mom's or dad's?" text I would get when my friends were on their way to my house.
I don't blame my parents. Divorce is a powerful thing to go through if you're the parent or the kid. Drama is a central theme that never seems to fade out of my life no matter how hard everyone tries to keep it away. It makes you more independent and makes you think you can't rely on people for things. I am big on trust, so kind of a good thing I got out of this situation. I always feel like people won't last like they are ready to walk out the second they walk in. I'm big on having people prove themselves to me. Actions versus words.
Like any normal person, balance is comfortable. I never had balance, I had a see-saw, questioning which day it would ever decide to go up. Yes, I think that if my parents never got divorced, I would definitely be someone completely different than who I am. I would most likely be more simple-minded, self-infatuated, and a less problematic person in all.
You don't get to sign up and pick a life. I got this one and I'm nineteen years old and I can finally accept that. I've gotten off the family see-saw, I'm dealing with my own ups and downs now. I hope there are many more ups than downs, but life happens and you can't control everything. You take what you get and for me, I now know exactly what I want my future to look like because of it.