Disclaimer: I have never been, nor will I ever be, the type of girl who likes to readily discuss her personal life, specifically personal issues. However, God has been pressing on my heart lately, and I firmly believe that I have a story to tell. My prayer is that this story touches at least one life, encouraging at least one person who feels like giving up to instead keep going. So here is the story of a “gracefully broken” college girl…
I am no perfect Christian––as a matter of fact, I consider myself extremely far from the quintessential Christian. However, I am forever grateful for God and His promises which (despite what tiny faith I have) have given me reason to keep struggling my way through life.
This past semester, I embarked on the adventure known as my sophomore year of college. Going into this school year, I had just come down from the “freshman year high,” having just experienced what I considered to be one of the best years of my life. (Little did I know that freshman year was simply a facade consisting of new experiences to distract from my perpetual brokenness as I searched for my identity.) Nonetheless, I had high hopes of maintaining another year of essentially perfect grades along with never-ending social functions.
As my sophomore year unfolded, things didn’t quite turn out how I had hoped. For starters, sophomore year ultimately has a completely different vibe compared to the freshman mentality. I had expected this; yet I still hoped to experience the fun, thrilling times of college.
However, my brokenness was continually becoming more prominent as my anxiety (which has always played a significant role in my life, despite my constant efforts to disguise such feelings) grew, and the circumstances at hand began to sink me deeper and deeper into a depressive state.
I will spare all the details that led me into such a state, but, ultimately, each element of my life seemed to gradually––then all at once––come crashing down before me. My mental conditions took a toll on many aspects of life: friendships, relationships, academics, social life, etc. I began shutting people out yet building up anger against other people for not even trying to help me when I was clearly (clearly in my head, at least) crying out for help. I tore down friendships, ruined chances at relationships, received poorer grades than usual, attended less social events, and spent many lonely nights crying to myself, wondering how I could possibly resurrect my broken life out of the dark pit in which I had slipped.
Now, all this being said, I in no way want to come across as victimizing myself, or as seeking pity and sympathy from others. The truth of the matter is that I put myself in many of these conditions. I ran from God and towards the desires of my flesh. I put my desires above my relationship with Him, and this is what caused me to become this broken mess.
However, anxiety isn’t always a choice; some of us are prone to worry. We are prone to various weaknesses, various forms of “kryptonite” that God allows the devil to harp on in order to test our faith. But the beautiful truth is that God does not leave us out to dry and wither in our brokenness. When God allows things in this life to break us, He does so with grace. The truth is, none of us deserve this life. It is a gift from God, given through His everlasting grace. Therefore, we can be reassured that, although we all suffer from our different forms of brokenness, we are all “gracefully broken” due to God’s abundant promises.
As my final exams came to a close and I returned home for the holidays, I finally had time to reflect on the turbulent semester. Through my reflection on this time and my efforts to improve my conditions, I have also realized the impact that people’s kindness can have on a person. After discussing my anxiety with my endocrinologist, attempting to link my anxious thoughts to another endocrine disorder I have, he offered his professional advice of natural ways to rid these thoughts, ultimately emphasizing one method: prayer. Little did I know, that very night, in a conversation with my dad, my doctor would explicitly say, “Your daughter’s a gem.” Such few words made me feel so valued. The next day as I went to work at my local retirement community, I ran into a sweet resident who I had not seen in months. One of the first few sentences out of her mouth upon seeing me were, “You are just a bright spot here.” Again, such simple words, yet my life felt validated. At this moment I knew that God was sending me messages of His love, concern, and value for my life.
The main takeaway I want people to get from this story is this: I am still broken. I still feel unworthy and overwhelmed with anxious thoughts at times. But, I am not alone. When I take a step back and look at everyone around me, I realize that we are all broken in our different ways. But, each and every one of us are gracefully broken. Broken, yet holding the power of God’s grace, love, and promises in our hands.
This too shall pass…
2 Corinthians 4: 17-18 “For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever. So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.”
If any of you feel like I did, consumed by anxiety, depression, or any other form of brokenness you are experiencing, please do not act as I did, shutting people out. Reach out to others, because I guarantee you are not alone in these feelings. I know that, personally, it would bring me such great joy to talk to you. Also, always remember that we are all broken people on this earth, many of us searching for validation through words of affirmation from others. Therefore, strive to be the one who helps to bring light back into others’ lives.
We are all broken, but praise God that His grace covers our brokenness.
