I think God has a serious sense of humor. Want to know why? I, a girl with serious social anxiety, come from a family who is always together, who is loud and in your face, and more than that, who is HUGE. It's to the point where we have to make sure a beach house for vacation can hold at least 40 people, on a slow day. It's crazy. Everyone is talkative and loves people and everyone loves them. It's all rainbows and sunshine for them. Then, there is me. I am literally the complete opposite of practically everyone in my family. I mean, I am pretty sure they are in shock when I say that I talked to someone new. They are surprised when I can go through a family event without running away to hide for at least an hour. They know I don't fit in, as much as they really don't want to admit it.
I have four brothers, no sisters, and of course, I am the middle child. All my brothers make friends so easily. They can talk to someone they just met, and within 20 minutes, end up exchanging numbers to make plans to watch the next big football game. I can be around someone for years on end and still don't know how to act natural.
Shall I go on? I shall.
I am also a senior in college. I have been going to the same school, been in classes with (mainly) the same kids, and have spent all day at last four days a week on campus for four years. Yet, here I am, sitting alone in the library because I have very few friends. I actually don't have any friends in my majors. Don't get me wrong, I get along with everyone, but someone who I can text when I'm feeling down? Not a shot. Is there someone who I text for something other than asking if they understood the homework? Nope. They are all really sweet and friendly, but I didn't get in the clique freshman year, so I am an outcast–even to the point that I had a professor come to me, worried, because of the group assignments we would soon be having.
Or, for example, today in my statistics class. We needed to sit with groups to work on a project. Guess who was literally sitting all alone until she had to move? This girl, because everyone has made friends in that class besides me. It's not like I don't want friends or that I like being alone all the time, it's that I literally don't know how to make friends. How do you tell a girl that you love her shoes? Or how do you tell that guy that his backpack is killer? Even when people decide to smile I at me, instead of smiling back, I look down and go back into my shell. I cannot be a human.
But I don't want you to feel sorry for me. And don't get me wrong, I have friends. My boyfriend is my best friend and always will be. I have a cousin who also happens to be my female best friend. She is too precious for this world and has the biggest heart around. I have even made friends in college–a few good ones. But none are the kind I can text at 3 A.M. when my life is falling apart and I don't know why. I do like being around people–I do. I just don't know how to be around people or how to stand out and not blend in with the background.
God is pretty funny because he gave this socially awkward girl a family who is the complete opposite. When my whole family is out doing their thing naturally, God is the only thing giving me enough strength to make it through a family reunion or birthday party. He's funny because even though I don't really fit in with my family, I know that I fit in with Him and that there is some humorous reason He has made me this way. The fun part is figuring out why.
